Tainted
by brattyteenagewerewolf
Summary: Ten years ago Feliciano made a promise not to tell, but now he's finding that promise hard to keep. AU and sexual abuse of a minor.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I can't believe I'm going to do this, but I'm a sucker for angsty gerita. It's Italy's turn to be tormented this time! **_(You are so mean to your characters! You and Italy should get together and write something, then all the people in the story will have PTSD and flashbacks, not just the main ones! – Prussia)_

**Warnings for: sexual abuse, pedophilia, self harm, yaoi etc. Not for sensitive readers! Pairings include Gerita, Spamano and some non-con NetherlandsxItaly. Why Netherlands? Because it was either him or Russia, and I felt bad about making Russia the bad guy last time...**

**Hetalia doesn't belong to me. Big thanks to my **_**wundebar**_** beta's Italy, Prussia and Canada!**

.o.)O(.o.

_This can't be happening_

_A mother's selfish pride_

_Her child's homicide_

_Can she be to blame?_

_The suited vultures circling_

_A father's cruelty_

_A murdered family_

_Is this world insane?_

_Their defenders ready to embrace their lies_

_With their devious smiles_

_Sacrifice- Disturbed_

.o.)O(.o.

_10 years ago_

"Feliciano, these marks are not acceptable!" The teacher accused as he placed the previous day's test in front of the young boy. The bright red 'F' made the Italian's chin tremble fearfully.

He'd tried so hard to do better. He'd spent the entire night studying Maths, practicing the sums until his eyes burned with exhaustion. He just didn't understand the subject...

"_Ve_...I'm sorry Mr. Van Dyk... I'll do better next time, I promise!" Feliciano promised, voice shaking slightly as he avoided eye contact with the Dutch teacher.

"It's all good and well to say that Feliciano, but you've been saying that all term! Come to my classroom after school, I'll give you some extra lessons..." The seven year old blinked before meeting the teacher's gaze.

Lars was smiling at him before he went back to handing out the rest of the tests. Feliciano smiled back, his grin full of the innocence of youth.

"What was that about, _fratello_?" Lovino asked curiously, leaning over from his desk to question his little brother.

"I- I failed again..."

"_Chigi_! Again? _Nonno_ is going to kill you!"

"_Ve_- It's ok, Mr. van Dyk's giving me some extra lessons after school. I'm sure I'll do better next time!"

"Still, _Nonno'_s going to kill you! Well actually, he won't since you're his-"

"Lovino Vargas! Stop talking!" Lovino blushed at the teacher's rebuke and turned back to the front. He'd forgotten that they were in class...

Feliciano just giggled and tried to focus on what Mr. van Dyk was saying about the three times tables.

.o.)O(.o.

"I'll tell _Nonno_ that you'll be late!" Lovino shouted as he left the classroom with Antonio. Normally the three of them went home with Antonio's parents, since the Spanish boy lived next door to them. The Italian twin's grandfather worked during the day and was unable to pick them up.

"_Grazi_ ,Lovi!" Feliciano replied cheerfully. He wasn't exactly looking forward to having extra lessons, but if he did better it would be worth it, he hated disappointing his grandfather...

"_Grazi,_ for the extra lessons Mr. van Dyk. You're so nice!" The Italian added as he moved to one of the seats closer to the front as the classroom emptied.

"It's not a problem Feli, can I call you that?"

"Of course, it's what my friends call me! _Ve_...you are my friend? ...Right?" Feliciano asked nervously. Had he crossed a boundary? The teacher just chuckled.

"Yes Feli, I consider us friends."

"Good! Cause I like you!"

Lars van Dyk moved closer to the desk that Feliciano had chosen, drawing up a chair to sit in front of him.

"...Should I get my books out?" Feli murmured. The teacher shrugged.

"If you want to. Just remember though, it's your fault you're here..." The Italian blinked, confusion in his amber eyes.

"_Ve_? I know..." The young boy leant over to get his book out of his bag, but froze when he felt a hand on his leg. He flinched, eyes going wide as he met his teacher's gaze.

"...Mr. van Dyk?" He asked nervously. He wasn't sure what was going on...

"It's okay Feli, this is what friends do... And call me 'sir'." The hand moved higher up the young Italian's thigh, making the boy squirm uncomfortably.

"_Ve_... Sir?"

"Yes, we're friends, and if you don't do it, it will hurt my feelings." The teacher explained. Feliciano trembled, feeling the hand crawling even higher.

"Please stop, sir..." He whimpered as the appendage reached his crotch and paused, a faint pressure that he couldn't help but fear. "_Nonno_ said not to let anyone touch me there..."

"It's what friends do though. Didn't you want to be my friend?" The hand started to rub his pants, starting off lightly before becoming more forceful.

"_Si_... But-"

"But nothing. You brought this upon yourself, remember?" Lars could feel the boy stirring beneath his kneading fingers. Feliciano started blushing and squirming uncomfortably, confused tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"But- What- I" The boy stammered.

"What's happening?" Lars asked. The boy nodded fearfully, making the Dutchman smile. "It's an erection. It means you want this."

"But-" The teacher placed his other hand over Feliciano's mouth, stopping him from speaking. The Italian's eyes went impossibly wider, small tears rolling down his face as his heart and breathing quickened.

"Don't speak. I'm just giving you what you want..." The teacher removed his hand as he leant over the desk and replaced it with his lips. Lars could feel the boy's panicked breaths on his face as his tongue forced its way into the Italian's mouth.

His other hand finally moved away from the boy's crotch, but instead slipped under his shirt to stroke his bare skin. Feliciano whimpered.

"Relax; I wouldn't be doing this if you didn't want it..." Lars murmured, pulling away from the boy's swollen lips to pull the shirt off of him. "Now get on the floor." he ordered.

Feliciano just sobbed and trembled in his seat. "N-No... _per favore_..." The teacher snarled, shoving the boy's shoulder hard and making him fall to the floor with a yelp.

"I said get on the floor, you whore!" The Italian had tears streaming down his face now as he tried to curl himself up in an attempt to cover his bare chest. Lars just smiled and pulled at the boy's wrists, holding them above Feliciano's head as he pinned the Italian to the ground.

The teacher held him with just a single hand as his other hand moved to the hem of Feliciano's pants, yanking them down with a single move before repeating the gesture with his underwear.

"_Per favore! P-per favore!_" Feliciano begged once he was naked before Lars's gaze. The teacher glared down at him perversely, eyes raking his small and undeveloped body. The Italian didn't know what was about to happen, but he was sure that it would be bad.

Lars moved his free hand down to the zip of his jeans, pulling it down and allowing his erection to spring out. Feliciano's eyes widened as he started struggling, pleading with the man above him as his legs were forced apart.

He whimpered as a single spit-slicked finger was forced inside of him, feeling the digit stroking his inner walls. His pleas had died down to echoing sobs as another finger was slipped inside.

"You know you want this..."

_Stop! Please! I don't want this! _The Italian screamed in his head.

"Look at you, you're so hard! You must be dying to have me inside you..." Lars moaned as he slipped a third finger into the Italian's entrance.

Feliciano wanted to deny it, wanted to scream for his teacher to stop, but he was still erect. He must want it... He must deserve it...

The fingers were removed making Feliciano tremble and sigh with relief, before he screamed into a hand that was suddenly placed in front of his mouth as he felt searing pain from Lars thrusting into him.

.o.)O(.o.

The boy was still sobbing while Lars cleaned both of them up. "Stop crying!" The teacher ordered, making Feliciano squeak in terror as he tried to stifle his tears and cries. "Good, now stand up and get dressed."

The Italian obeyed him, whimpering as he limped to where his clothes were. Lars frowned at the boy's obvious limps.

"You are not to tell anyone of this, okay, Feli? If anyone asks why you're limping it's because you tripped. Besides, no-one would believe you if you told them; and even if they did they'd say you deserved it or that you must have wanted it..."

Feliciano nodded fearfully. "_Ve_...I-I won't t-tell..."

"Good, because if you do I will kill you... You are to come here same time next week for another extra lesson. Remember, it's all your fault."

_It's my fault..._

_I deserved it..._

_I wanted it..._

.o.)O(.o.

"How'd your extra lesson go Feli?" _Nonno_ Roma asked as the seven year old jumped into the car with a wince. "Why are you limping? Did you hurt yourself?"

"_Ve_? Haha, _si_, I tripped!"

"Haha, silly boy!" Feliciano forced a smile onto his face. He couldn't tell him, couldn't tell anyone...

He deserved it.

.o.)O(.o.

_I will make it go away_

_Can't be here no more_

_Sickness is the only way_

_I will soon be gone_

_These feelings will be gone_

_These feelings will be gone_

_Now I see the times they change_

_Believe me, nothing seems so strange_

_I am hoping I can find_

_A way to leave my hurt behind_

_All the shit I seem to take_

_All alone I seem to break_

_I have lived the best I can_

_Does this make me not a man_

_Alone I break- Korn_

**A/N2: **_**Dio mio**_**! I can't believe I wrote that! What's worse is that I wrote that during the 16 days of activism against child and woman abuse... I'm going to hell... **

_(I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…..how could you? He was so little…I wanna hug. - Prussia)  
>(Y U channel my childhood? It makes for scary reading. - Italia)<em>

**Or I would be if I believed in it... I'll probably be smote though.**

**Please review/ send me 'omg how could you do that!' messages! Next chapter will be in the present and introduces Ludwig and possibly a few other characters! **_(How could you do this to me? And little Feli? - Prussia)_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Holy shit! 8 reviews? EIGHT reviews? (edit: twenty one REVIEWS! *faints from shock) my most popular story (behind blue eyes) only got two reviews for the first chapter and both were from friends! the first reviews from people other than friends came for chapter 2 and it was only one!**

**Sorry for not updating in a while, this has been ready since new years but my betas took a while. SORRY! This is unbetaed by the way.**

**oh well, onto the story. **

.o.)O(.o.

_sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner_

_sometimes I feel like my only friend_

_is the city I live in_

_the city of angels_

_lonely as I am, together we cry_

_and I don't ever want to feel_

_like I did that day_

_take me to the place I love_

_take me all the way_

_Under that bridge- Red Hot Chilli Peppers_

.o.)O(.o.

present day

Feliciano sighed as he looked out over the city from his hill side perch. He was glad he didn't have to pretend to smile up here. It was painful to pretend.

pretending that everything was okay, that he was happy. That he wasn't broken or haunted by those memories of all those years ago.

Lars had continued to rape Feliciano after that first incident. telling the italian each and everytime that it was his fault and that he deserved it. Maybe he did, after all he had obeyed every order of that teacher. He'd never told anyone.

Thankfully the dutchman had left shortly after the end of the second term but the damage had been done. Despite being seventeen (and constantly teased about it by his brother) the italian still hadn't dated anyone.

How could he? He was dirty... tainted even. Even if he wasn't, how could he ever trust someone after that? He couldn't offer anyone anything…

What kind of person would ever want him?

Maybe leaving would help... After Lovino's constant pestering their grandfather had agreed to send them to a private school up country.

Not that the elder twin cared about the school itself, no the school could have been in the north pole for all Lovino cared. The reason why the italian wanted to go was because of Antonio who'd attended the school for just over a year now.

Not that Lovino would admit it. As far as he was concerned 'that tomato-bastard' was the last reason why he wanted to go. He'd still smiled like mad when they had been enrolled though which made Feliciano severely doubt his hatred of their spanish neighbour...

So Feliciano was set to follow his brother to the Hetalia Acadamy of Higher Education.

"Si... maybe a change will be good..." The italian murmured sadly before he let out a startled yelp as his phone started ringing.

"ve... Hello?" He gasped out, hand on his chest to try and calm his heart. He hated that verbal tick of his... he always used it when he got startled or nervous, just another thing to thank... _Him_... for.

"Damn it Fratello, where the fuck are you?" Lovino's language was getting worse with every passing day.

"Ve? Lovi?"

"Yeah it's me dumb ass! how many other brother's do you have? And don't call me that! now where are you? we're supposed to pick up some things for next week remember?" Lovino explained testily.

"hahaha, ve- mi dispiace fratello... I forgot but I'll be home in a sec, si?" Feliciano giggled. Lovino sighed.

"Why the fuck are you so scatterbrained?" The elder twin muttered, not really expecting a reply.

Feliciano gave a mumbled 'dunno' before giggling again. "See you in a minute Lovi, addio!"

"Si, addio bastard!" Lovino added before hanging up leaving nothing but a few repetitive beeps in Feliciano's ear.

The younger twin sighed as he felt the hated fake smile slip off his face. Lovino still didn't have a clue about what happened all those years ago.

Despite having told the grouchy italian that he was on his way Feliciano simply collapsed and lay on his back amoungst the emerald blades of grass and looked up at the sky. His hands started curling around the greenery, occassionly tugging and uprooting the plants.

The sky was grey and cloudy, threatening rain but the italian didn't mind. He liked the rain strangely enough, it washed away some of his guilt over what had happened.

.o.)O(.o.

"There you are feliciano! I wondered where you'd run off too!" Nonno Roma shouted as the italian ran up to them.

"damn it bastard, its about time!" Lovino swore. "Chigi!" he yelped as his grandfather sighed and lightly clouted his shoulder.

"Language Lovi! where were you Feliciano?" Roma asked, looking at the panting italian.

"ve- Ve- The hill, I was, ve- looking for inspiration..." Feliciano gasped out, the excuse made sense but he was silently cursing that verbal tick of his.

Roma chuckled before ruffling the exhausted italian's hair. "such a silly boy! how about we get you a drink or something to help you catch your breath first?"

Feliciano looked up hopefully. "ve? Gelato?" Even Lovino looked up hopefully at those words making their grandfather laugh.

"Si Feliciano, we can get some gelato, Lovi?"

"gelato's good," The other sibling stated trying not to look to excited over the sweet treat.

"Okay, first gelato then we can get supplies for school. I can't believe my adorable grandsons are going to boarding school!" The man practically sobbed.

"ve? It's okay nonno, we'll come back for the holidays... right fratello?" Feliciano murmured giving his grandfather a hug.

"Huh? I mean, si, and we'll send letters and stuff too..." Lovino grumbled, yelping as he was forced into the hug as well.

"I'm going to miss you boys so much!"

.o.)O(.o.

the week appeared to pass very quickly after the shopping trip. Both of the Italian twins spent the week packing anything that appeared vaguely useful into a suitcase with occassional input from the other or their grandfather on what to take and what to leave.

In the end Feliciano was forced to leave behind several of his art supplies simply because he needed to pack some clothes as well as his school books. Lovino had the opposite problem and had to leave behind some of his clothing to pack in his school supplies.

Lovino was the most frustrated by the clothing, especially some of the new stuff which he had apparantly NOT bought for Antonio. Feliciano just giggled at his brothers defensiveness before sighing sadly at his easel. He hated leaving it behind...

The younger italian waited for his older brother to leave the room for the special going away meal that their grandfather had prepared (spaghetti) before slipping in the final thing he wanted to take along.

A craft knife, he'd bought it several years ago meaning to use it for artistic purposes. It had a different use now. His arms bore testiment to that.

He was about to zip the bag up when he realised something else that could come in handy. With a wary glance at the door the italian reached under the bed and grabbed a jar of foundation before slipping it in the bag.

at least that way he wouldn't be stuck in long sleeved shirts...

.o.)O(.o.

_water grave_

_through the windows_

_up the stairs_

_chilling wave_

_like an ocean everywhere_

_don't want to reach for me do you_

_I mean nothing to you_

_the little things give you away_

_and now there will be no mistaking_

_the levies are breaking_

_the little things give you away- Linkin Park_

**A/N2: okay so Ludwig will come into the story next chapter, sorry about that _ I'm bad at organising things and sticking to the plan… ok actually I'm good at that… It's doing them together that's tricky…**

**And now for some review replies! May I just say again: HOLY SHIT TWENTY ONE REVIEWS!**

…**okay I'm done…**

**Space potato: glad you think so, sorry bout the wait…**

**Kisa2012: yay, I'm glad you enjoy my writing! Interesting's a good way to put it sorry about the wait!**

**River flows backwards: no that definitely wouldn't help… glad you think it looks interesting. Sorry about the wait!**

**Bookworm 5634: I know how you feel and I will do! Sorry about the wait!**

**Eclipsed devil13: thanks, I'm glad (in a sick way) that you think it was well written. I'm wondering too… sorry about the wait!**

**Raininghearts4ever: sorry about the wait! It's au so they're normal people.**

**Inumaru12: ja it does, sorry about the wait…**

**Djsrock: it took a while but I did! Sorry about the wait!**

**Wolfenartistofhetalia: sent you a pm so that's good… sorry about the wait!**

**Desertnightwolf: finally up! I hope you enjoy and I'm sorry about the wait.**

**Mayflowerxxx: Hey I think I know the story you're talking about! I'm pretty sure I'm watching that story****.**** Don't I'm still going through the whole "how am I doing this to him?" thing… I feel guilty… hope you liked the update! Thanks for the compliment :)**

**Madee-Chan: Don't worry, I still feel guilty over doing this… QQ poor Feli… actually the hug probably wouldn't do anything provided Feli saw it coming since people who go through this sort of thing either become withdrawn or end up acting more extroverted (god, I don't think I'm explaining this well…) don't worry there will be revenge :) hope you enjoyed the update!**

**PinkPanther123: don't worry I get what your saying, I've read stories (*cough* broken *cough*) where you think omg this is awesome before remembering that certain things shouldn't be awesome… Aka rape, pedophilia etc. I don't plan on killing Nonno off (that would be too cruel… Prussia, kick me if I get tempted by it unless it is relevent to the plot) so who knows Nonno might kick Lars' ass :) damnrightfuckspaces!woot!italywillkillmeforthis…**

**XxLittleRomaniaxX: It always makes my day to have someone say I made their day :D I'm glad glad you think its powerful, I'm trying to improve my writing to actually get something of my own published. Hope you enjoyed the update :)**

**The girl in the mirror: I actually like Russia so I always feel guilty when I make him the bad guy (he was a small villain in Behind Blue Eyes and I hated doing that but it was historically accurate…) I think he's just misunderstood… Lars on the other hand I have issues with courtesy of Italy's story 'mein schutzengal- damn I forget the actual name again… (Italy, use english damnit!) so he's my prefered villain this time :) thanks for the compliments, hope you enjoyed the update!**

**XxDamned ForeverxX: *feels guilty* I can't believe I wrote this… agreed, the netherlands is definitely a pedo! Hope you enjoyed the update!**

**Tokokittymew: Glad you liked it, I'll probably get reincarnated as a slug or something for torturing Feli like this… hope you enjoyed the update!**

**Kayce Hurd: I love seeing my original reviewers :) don't worry, I've been asking myself what's wrong with me since I came up with this idea… but hey, might as well go to hell properly and finish it :) hope you enjoyed the update!**

**Sanemadness: I feel bad about Feli… Netherlands is a pain in the ass… read 'broken' by woodbyne if you want to see why I REALLY hate him…**

**Canada: no worries, I've been in all sorts of shit since I last posted so I understand.**

**Prussia: miss you heaps bruder!**

**Italy: still love you liebling. Feel free to repost if my errors get to you too much 3 **

**Okay and that's everyone… wow… that's a lot of people… If this keeps up I'll have to reply using the normal method purely to save space :) Pancakes for all reviewers, favouriters, alerters, betas and readers!**

**I've written up to chapter 12 so I'll try updating every week though it'll be unbetaed. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I apologise for the late update. Blame my betas and Italy, this was written a while ago. But to make up for the late update, have a double update :)**

**enjoy!**

**Hetalia and any songs here aren't mine.**

**.o.)O(.o.**

_you were standing in the wake of devestation_

_you waiting on the edge of the unknown_

_with the cataclism raining down_

_your insides crying save me now_

_you were there impossibly alone_

_do you feel cold and lost in desperation_

_you build up hope of failures all you've known_

_remember all the sadness and frustration_

_and let it go_

_let it go..._

_iridescent- Linkin park_

.o.)O(.o.

"Here's your ticket, bastardo! Your seat number is on it." Lovino said cheerfully, or as cheerfully as the elder italian could get, as he practically threw the stub at his twin. They'd just gotten onto the train that would take them to the town where they'd go to school. Feliciano's eyes widened.

"But Fratello, aren't we meant to sit together?" He asked nervously. His brother snorted.

"What am I? Your babysitter? You'll be fine, I want to sit with Antonio." Lovino explained before he turned and walked away.

"Ve? but what if the seat next to him is taken?" Feliciano shouted after his brother, he was pretty sure all the seats had been booked... The elder paused for a moment.

"I'll kick the bastard out, he can sit with you or something." Then he was gone, disappearing amongst the crowd that still milled around looking for their seats. Feliciano sighed.

great, first day and he was already alone... and surrounded by strangers. It couldn't get any worse...

.o.)O(.o.

The italian was relaxing against the window when a voice disturbed him, making him yelp.

"I'm sorry but are you the rude Italian kid's brother?" A tall and well built blonde was standing in the doorway, hair slicked back with a serious expression in his blue eyes. "...Are you okay?"

Feliciano took a moment to calm his heart. "ve? si, you startled me!" he chuckled. "Do you mean Lovino?" he asked, then again, of course it would be Lovino. How many other rude Italian's could be on the train?

"Ja, I think that was his name. He looked like you at least..." The blonde had a thick accent, German... Feliciano thought, by the sound of it.

"Ve~ Si, He's my fratello." Feliciano admitted, he hoped this wasn't the person Lovino had stolen his seat from. He looked scary...

The german nodded and sat down, making the italian flinch. He raised an eyebrow but otherwise didn't comment. "My name's Ludwig Beilschmidt. You?" he asked, Feliciano nodded. Definitely German, if anything it made the teen seem even scarier...

"Ve~ Fe-Feliciano Vargas." Feliciano said nervously. Ludwig sighed.

"I don't bite, you know?" He murmured, eyes downcast slightly before looking back up at the scared Italian.

"Haha... Ve~ you look scary..." the smaller teen admitted before slapping his hands over his mouth in horror. He'd just said that... to a scary german... to quote Lovino, fuck!

"Well... at least you're honest..." Ludwig said quietly, looking away from the italian. He started murmuring something about a long trip, making Feliciano immediately felt guilty.

"Ve! I'm sorry! Mi dispiace!" He started babbling in Italian, tears falling down his face making the german's eyes go wide in alarm.

"It's not a problem! I promise! just stop crying! and speak english!" Ludwig shouted over the bawling Feliciano. He immediately stopped, surprising the blonde even more.

"That's good, maybe you're not so scary! Ve~ Do you want some pasta? I brought a lot! oh do you like art? what about..." Ludwig suddenly wasn't sure what was worse, the chatty italian or the crying one...

.o.)O(.o.

It took an hour for the german to open up to the suddenly cheerful italian. In those sixty minutes he'd considered homicide, suicide and enrolling the bipolar teen in the nearest asylum. He went from cheerfully talking about pasta to a story where he'd lost a pet cat (that apparantly wasn't his, if Ludwig had been listening correctly...) to a deep conversation about the stylistic techniques of Picasso and Da Vinci.

Ludwig was confused to say the least...

"So are you a friend of Antonio's? You were sitting with him so you have to be!" Feliciano asked.

Ludwig shook his head. "Nein. I've only met him once or twice, he's a friend of my big bruder's." He explained.

"You have a brother? what's his name? ve? What's he like?" The italian asked.

"His name's Gilbert and he's... well, difficult to say the least. He's narcisistic, always going on about his own supposed awesomeness, always getting into fights... He also came up with the name 'the bad touch trio' to describe himself, Antonio and their other friend Francis." Ludwig shook his head and sighed. "But he's looked out for me since I was a kid, he once beat up another kid simply because he picked on me because of my accent." The german chuckled at the memory.

"He sounds like a nice brother..." Feliciano conceded.

Ludwig nodded, "He must compared to your brother. Lovino wanted to send Gilbert here but I offered to go instead, Antonio's Gilbert's friend after all. Is he always that rude?" He asked.

"Si, but he's a nice fratello. He's just grouchy..." Ludwig raised an eyebrow at the comment.

"I'd say it's more than just 'grouchy'..." Feliciano laughed cheerfully.

"Ve~ I like you! ...do you want to be my friend?" The italian asked with just a hint of anxiety. The german blinked and blushed, looking away nervously.

"Ja... why not?" Ludwig's curiousity won over his instincts that nothing good would come from associating with the italian.

It wouldn't be that bad would it? Sure, he'd never had a proper friend before but it couldn't go that wrong. Maybe having the cheerful teen around would be good for him.

.o.)O(.o.

_why don't you let me be?_

_and I'll pretend I'm well_

_cause you're to blind to see_

_and I'm too tired to tell_

_and in your apathy_

_your head begins to swell_

_another tragedy _

_that you're to cold to feel..._

_Some day I know I'll find my place_

_Some day I know this pain will fade_

_Some day I know I'll find my place_

_Some day I'll sing my last refrain_

_plastic man- seether_

**A/N2: I suspect I'm going to lose control of the story again... and Shimeji's (especially hetalia ones!) are the most distracting thing when writing fanfiction! but they're to damn cute to get rid of... even if they multiply like rabbits... I can't see what I'm writing because at this moment I've got China, Romano, France and Canada crowding the bottom of the screen... and England just joined them, after falling from the ceiling where I struggle to save because I've got Germany and Prussia hanging out over the save button...**

**okay, I disappear for several minutes to get changed for my new years party (hetalia themed :D I'm going as Germouser, I'll post a pic on deviant art (WolfOfTheBlackRose) and I get back and I can't see the edges of my screen because of nations that have multiplied. attack of the chibis! **

**reviewers, betas, alerters, favouriters and readers get pancakes, I'm making them for breakfast tomorrow (pasta for supper XD)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N1: well, one immigration, one job, one getting fired from said job, one girlfriend who's kind of across the ocean and several months later and I'm finally back to regular updates!**

**Thanks to all the people who offered to beta but in order to keep posting regularly I'll probably just do my own for a bit. If I'm not there to kick Italy's butt into gear it won't get done (sorry love, you know it's true 3)**

**I'll be updating every Sunday morning (in Australian time so Sunday evening for Americans and Saturday evening for Africans and Europeans depending on where you are) so enjoy the regular updating! Oh and I'm also replying to reviews via pm now because it'll take too much space to reply to them in here…**

**If I didn't reply to yours feel free to send me a review/pm to shout at me for missing your review when I did my replies.**

**I don't own Hetalia obviously.**

_You're sick of feeling numb_

_You're not the only one_

_I'll take you by the hand_

_And I'll show you a world you'll understand_

_This life is filled with hurt_

_When happiness doesn't work_

_Trust me and take my hand_

_When the lights go out you'll understand_

_Pain_

_Without love_

_Pain_

_I can't get enough_

_Pain_

_I like it rough_

_Cause I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all_

_Pain - three days grace_

.o.)O(.o.

Ludwig was beginning to seriously doubt his decision to become friends with the Italian. Feliciano hadn't stopped talking since his initial outburst and showed no signs of slowing.

"Isn't it nice that we get to be roommates? I'm so glad I get to be with you!" The small Italian chirped happily, practically skipping beside the German.

"Ja Feliciano, it is." The blonde responded, slightly weary. Feliciano smiled before stumbling with a slight yelp as he tripped over his bag. Ludwig sighed. "Do you want me to carry that for you?" He asked, his own bag presenting him with no problem.

"Ve~ would you? Grazi!" Feliciano murmured gratefully. Ludwig gave a soft smile, weariness of the Italian fading as he took the bag from him. He shouldered it without too much trouble.

The brunette blinked. "Wow... you're strong..." He mumbled with wide eyes. Ludwig shrugged.

"I do a lot of training." The German admitted. Feliciano opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by a shout from behind them.

"'A lot' is understating it, West!" They both turned to look at an albino boy who trotted up beside them with a smirk on his face.

Ludwig sighed. "I wish you wouldn't call me that Gil..." Gilbert chuckled, ruffling his brother's hair despite his protests.

Feliciano blinked curiously. "Gil? Are you Ludwig's brother?" He asked as Ludwig cursed and neatened his hair again.

The albino laughed. "Kesesese, ja! Luddy here is mein bruderlein!"

"Gott verdamt... Don't call me that!" Ludwig swore, blushing slightly.

"Aww... but Luddy... ve~ it's so cute!" Feliciano chirped.

"How come you get the cute brother? Why must I get the bastard?" Gilbert asked with a frown.

"Ve? You're rooming with Lovino?" The Italian questioned. The albino nodded.

"Ja... and he's done nothing but insult me and complain."

"But aren't you in a higher grade then us? Ve~ I thought they chose roommates based on grades?" Gilbert blushed slightly and scratched the back of his neck as Ludwig chuckled.

"Ja, but Gil here failed the seventh grade and got kept back. He's in the same grade as us." The German explained.

"Damn it, it was a conspiracy! I was too awesome to let go!" Feliciano giggled at the elder brother's excuse.

"Ja bruder... whatever you say." Ludwig laughed.

"Ve~ do you know who Antonio is rooming with?" The Italian asked.

"Um... according to Lovino it's a 'maple bastard' or something. That's all I know. Why?" Gilbert explained.

Ludwig also looked at the Italian expectantly. Feliciano just shrugged.

"Ve~ You might want to get to know him since Lovi will probably kick either you or him out at some point." He explained. Gilbert nodded thoughtfully.

"I'll do that, danke!" The albino stated before dashing off. Ludwig sighed; his brother gave him so many headaches...

.o.)O(.o.

"Ve~ I'm going to go have a shower." Feliciano explained as he grabbed his towel and toiletries.

Ludwig looked up from where he was packing his clothes away and raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you going to finish unpacking first?" He asked. The Italian's clothes, text books and art supplies were scattered haphazardly across his half of the room.

"Ve? But it is unpacked..." Feliciano murmured, head cocked to the side. It all looked fine to him...

The German sighed. "If you say so." He went back to folding his clothes, making a mental note to tidy the Italian's side of the room while he was gone.

He heard a few quiet footsteps as Feliciano left and then silence. The brunette was gone.

Ludwig looked up again, joints popping as he stood and went over to the Italian's side of the room. It really was a mess... He sighed and started picking up the art supplies, setting them out on the desk neatly.

Once the paints, pencils, paper and craft knife were placed in neat rows he turned on the clothing. He folded each garment before placing them in the cupboard. The room was already looking neater, after placing the text books on the desk in a pile the only thing left was the empty bag at the end of the bed.

Ludwig grabbed it, slipping it under the bed. A low thunk made him frown and get on his hands and knees to glance under it. A small jar had rolled onto its side and was rocking slowly before slowing to a stop.

The blonde reached under the bed and grabbed it, pulling it out so he could see the label. His frown increased when he did so.

Foundation? Why would Feliciano have make up?

The German shook his head, slipping the cream under the bed again. He wasn't going to pry. It was the Italian's business, not his.

He still wondered though...

.o.)O(.o.

_The life I think about_

_Is so much better than this_

_I never thought I'd be stuck in this mess_

_I'm sick of wondering is it life or death_

_I need to figure out who's behind you_

_We are_

_We are_

_We are_

_We are one_

_We get knocked down_

_We get back up_

_And stand above the crowd_

_We are one_

_One X- Three days grace_

**Hope you enjoyed! Reviewers, favouriters, alerters and such all get pancakes with maple syrup and ANZAC day cookies! Happy Anzac day for Wednesday!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N1: new chapter! I'll just quickly upload this and go get some coffee, bloody insomnia…**

**Hetalia is not mine; all beta-ing is done by me and spell check so excuse any errors!**

_I was lost and you were found_

_And I never knew how far I was falling_

_Until I reached the bottom_

_I was cold and you were fire_

_And I never knew how the fire could_

_Be burning on the edge of the ice_

_Now the chilly California wind_

_Is blowing at our bodies again_

_And we're sinking deeper and deeper_

_Into the chilly California sand_

_And I know that you belong_

_Inside my aching heart_

_And can't you see my fading eyes_

_They're bursting apart_

_For crying out loud- Meatloaf_

Feliciano frowned as he got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around himself. The water had washed the foundation off of his arms revealing the thin, pink scars crisscrossing his forearms. He'd meant to grab the make up before leaving the room but it had slipped his mind.

He sighed, drying himself before putting his shirt on. It was short sleeved so he glared at the scars peeking out from the edge of the material. He'd have to put the foundation on once he got back, it was unlikely anyone would see the scars after all... most people were still exploring the school or unpacking.

Taking a deep breath, Feliciano finished dressing and gathered up his toiletries before pushing the door open. There wasn't anyone in the passage but the Italian still felt like he was being watched, like everyone could see his scars.

He practically yelped when he rounded a corner and bumped into someone. The boy raised an eyebrow at the startled Italian.

"Would you watch where you're going?" He had a strong Austrian accent, Feliciano noticed as he looked away.

"Mi dispiace..." He murmured. The boy fixed his glasses before walking away from the Italian, grumbling to himself.

Feliciano blinked, breathing a sigh of relief. He hadn't seen them.

The brunette managed to get back to his room without any further hassles. He put a smile on his face before walking into the room. The first thing he noticed was how clean it was.

Everything had been put away; he had to struggle not to panic at the sight. What if Ludwig had found out?

The German in question looked up at the sound of the door opening. "Oh, you're back. I tidied your side of the room as you can see... Try to keep it like that please..." He hinted, looking away as the Italian collapsed on the bed.

"Ve~ Grazi Ludwig!" Feliciano chirped, surreptitiously reaching under the bed when Ludwig wasn't looking. He snuck the jar out from its hiding place and shoved it behind him when Ludwig looked up.

"I'm just going to have a shower and to make sure my brother's staying out of trouble." He explained, grabbing a towel. "I'll be back in a bit."

Feliciano blinked and nodded. "Ve~ see you soon!" He said cheerfully. Ludwig paused, forcing his eyes away from the others arms politely before the Italian could see that he'd noticed.

The image stayed burnt in his mind though. The pink scars littering the small Italian's skin. He couldn't be sure of it but it looked like Feliciano of all people cut...

He made a mental note to have a closer look later, to know for sure.

People like Feliciano shouldn't cut... They should be happy... They were too cheerful to have to know that sort of hardship...

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano let out a sigh of relief when the German left the room. He cast a cautious look at the door before grabbing the jar of foundation. He unscrewed it slowly, making sure to avoid getting any of it on his clothes or bed, before using the sponge already in the jar to scoop up a generous amount.

He spread it on his arm, watching as the scars faded. They soon blended into his skin completely.

Feliciano raised his arm, giving it a once over before moving to his right arm. Once both limbs were the same unbroken colour he sealed the foundation back up, slipping it back under the bed.

He felt a lot safer once his scars were covered. The foundation acting like a mask and completing his façade. He soon found himself sitting at the desk, sketch pad open as he aimlessly drew. Just doodling really, he wasn't even focused on what he was drawing.

A panicked shout drew his attention away from his work. He yelped in fright before standing curiously. There were several more shouts and a bit of cursing.

Curious, the Italian went to the door, leaving the room he started to follow the shouts.

"Verdamt Gil! Let him go!" Ludwig cursed, making a grab for his brother.

Gilbert just chuckled, dodging the younger German whilst holding a smaller blonde tightly. "Nein! He's my birdie!" There were a few cheers from Antonio and a long haired blonde standing beside him as they watched the skirmish. Lovino just glowered at everyone.

"E-eh? I'm not your birdie!" The boy in Gilbert's arms squeaked, he looked a bit nervous.

"Kesesese you are now!" The albino laughed, he then let out a yelp as the blonde's foot connected with his shin. Gilbert dropped him just before Ludwig managed to catch his brother, grabbing his arm tightly.

Gilbert grinned at him sheepishly while the younger sibling glared at him. "Enough Gilbert. He said no."

"Aww... but West he's so cute!"

The blonde in question blushed before glaring at the albino. "No I'm not! And my name's Matthew not 'birdie'!"

Gilbert looked back at his brother pleadingly. "Please can I keep him?"

Matthew's eyes widened before he bolted into his room, locking the door behind him. The older German frowned in disappointment making Ludwig sigh.

"Can you behave yourself for just ten minutes?" He asked. Gilbert thought about it for a minute.

"I'm too awesome for that!" Ludwig let go of him with a smile, chuckling when his elder brother rubbed at his arm with a wince.

"Leave Matthew alone and behave!" He ordered before heading back to his room. He caught sight of Feliciano on his way, pausing so the Italian could catch up.

"Ve? What happened?" The brunette asked, tilting his head.

"Gilbert decided to harass Antonio's roommate. He likes him, apparently that's his way of saying it and no-one informed Matthew." Ludwig explained. He chuckled before remembering the scars.

He looked down trying to look at the Italian's arm without him noticing. What he saw made him frown.

The arm was flawless, not a mark on it.

"Ve? What are you frowning at?" Feliciano asked, looking at the German anxiously.

Ludwig shook his head, looking away with a frown. "Hmm? Oh nothing... I just... never mind!" He stammered.

What the hell was going on?

.o.)O(.o.

_And don't you know that I need you_

_For coming to my room when you know I'm alone_

_For finding me a highway and driving me home_

_And you gotta know that I serve you_

_For pulling me away when I'm starting to fall_

_For wrapping me up when I'm starting to stall_

_And you gotta know that I want you_

_For taking and for giving and for playing the game_

_For praying for my future and the days that remain_

_For that I hold you_

_And most of all_

_For crying out loud know that I love you_

_For crying out loud-Meat loaf_

**A/N2: thanks for reading! Usual promise of pancakes for everyone and just kick my ass if I missed anyone with replying to reviews. Till next Sunday ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Okay, the plot finally kicks in at the end of this chapter. Took me long enough... But please don't kill or kick my South African/ Australian ass. I'm only just getting shit under control and that would just suck. Besides, I gave you an early update I'll still be updating on Sunday though.**

**Hetalia still isn't mine! I'll reply to all reviews now-now **

_You say you're not going to fight_

_Cause no-one will fight for you_

_And you think there's not enough love_

_And no-one to give it to_

_And you're sure you've hurt for so long_

_You've got nothing left to lose_

_So you say you're not going to fight_

_Cause no-one will fight for you_

_Robot boy- Linkin Park_

Feliciano kept up a seemingly endless stream of mindless chatter all the back to room, mainly about how cool the school looked and whether or not they'd serve pasta. Ludwig bit back a weary sigh; he was used to quiet unless he was around his brother.

"Yes Feliciano, I'm sure they'll serve pasta..." He said, mainly to try and get some of the panic off of the Italian's face. Though why anyone would be worried about pasta he didn't know...

Feliciano immediately smiled, "That's good! I don't know what I'd do without pasta! What do you think of the other people here? They seem alright to me, though one guy was a bit rude... But I did run into him... I think he was Austrian or German or something, with glasses. Do you know him?"

Ludwig could feel a headache coming on. "Nein, I don't think so." He didn't feel like explaining that although he was German he didn't know every single German in the world.

Feliciano shrugged. "Oh well, maybe he'll be in one of our classes. What's your timetable like?" He wasn't even considering that the boy might be in a different grade.

Ludwig was grateful when they reached their room, hoping that maybe now the Italian would stop chattering. "It's not too bad I guess. P.E. first period which is nice."

"Hey I also have P.E first! ...but I don't think it's a good thing..." He admitted. "I'd rather have art."

God, Ludwig wasn't sure whether he wanted to be grateful that he'd know one person in his P.E. class or if he wanted to cry that it was this infuriating Italian. Then again, he had agreed to be his friend so he guessed he ought to try to be friendly... And other than the annoying endless talk and smiling he didn't seem too bad.

Maybe his brother was right about him having a stick up his ass and that made him want to cry even more. He hated it when his brother was right...

He suddenly realized that Feliciano had stopped talking and blinked before getting a slight blush on his cheeks from embarrassment. That's what he got for not paying attention. "Sorry, what did you say?" He asked.

"Ve~ I just wanted to know if you'd like to come with me to see my brother..." The Italian seemed slightly hurt that Ludwig hadn't been paying attention. The German sighed and felt a rush of guilt.

"Sure, I'd like to meet your brother officially." He offered as an apology. Feliciano smiled brightly again, all hurt gone from his face.

"Yay! I'm sure Lovino will like you!" Ludwig felt another headache coming on.

.o.)O(.o.

"You fucking potato! Get away from my brother!" It turned out that Lovino didn't like Ludwig. At all.

"Ve~ but fratello! He's my friend!"

"What use is a stupid macho potato like him as a friend? Look at the way he's holding you!" Ludwig sighed, in all actuality it was Feliciano who was holding onto HIS arm despite all of his attempts to get off.

"Actually Lovino-"

"Shut up bastard!"

Ludwig decided to do the wise thing and just shut up and ignore the grumpy Italian. It was going to be a long year...

.o.)O(.o.

Dinner was spent in a similar manner, with Lovino throwing glares in his direction between bites and loudly listing all the faults of 'potato bastards' to the entire hall. Ludwig was surprisingly grateful when a blond came up to their table with a grin. At least it was a distraction.

"Howdy! I'm Alfred F. Jones!" Ludwig immediately picked up a southern drawl. An American obviously. Apparently there were a few of them in the school.

"Ludwig Beilschmidt and this is Feliciano-"

"He can introduce himself damn it!" Lovino shouted from the other end of the table.

Alfred frowned. "Is there a problem? Do you need a hero or something?"

"Damn it Alfred! Stop with the bloody 'hero' nonsense!" Another blonde turned up at the American's shoulder wearing a frown and the biggest set of eyebrows Ludwig had ever seen. His accent was obviously British.

"Aww... Iggy, you know you love me!" Alfred laughed, the other blonde's eye twitched. "This is Arthur Kirkland, and he's mine! Just a warning." Arthur started cursing.

Ludwig nodded; he wasn't sure what else to do. He wondered if anyone here was normal.

Alfred dragged an empty chair over and collapsed into it. "Also don't touch Yao over there; He's with Ivan, the scary Russian kid, um... Kiku and Heracles, I'm not sure what's going on there but Sadiq will freak out if you touch them. Ignore the fact that he will argue with Heracles at any given opportunity. Oh and Mattie. He's my bro. And off limits." He pointed to each person in turn.

"...Noted." Ludwig conceded. He was beginning to miss Lovino's ranting.

"Technically most people are already in relationships. I mean Toris is with Feliks and Roderich's with Elizaveta. I think he's the only straight guy here..." He suddenly looked nervous. "But don't tell anyone. Technically it wouldn't be allowed…"

Ludwig also frowned. "Why not? I take it she's from the girl's school?"

"Not quite… She's kinda the school nurse…" Alfred explained. "But like I said he's the only straight guy here."

"Ve~ Everyone's gay?" Feliciano asked as Ludwig bristled with rage at being lumped in as gay. Sure he didn't have a girlfriend, or ever had one but still.

"Yep, or Bi like Francis, must be something in the water. You two are probably turning gay right this moment." Alfred laughed jokingly. Feliciano suddenly looked panicked.

"Ve~ how do I tell?" He asked with wide eyes, Ludwig sighed and contemplated hitting his head on the table.

"Um... Look at Ludwig; do you think he's hot?" Alfred offered. Ludwig glared at him murderously as the Italian looked at him with a cocked head.

"That doesn't prove-" Arthur started.

"Si, I do." Ludwig could have throttled both of them but couldn't help but feel... confused.

So of course he did the best thing he could think of. Grab his food, throw it away and go back to his room. He murmured a quick apology when he ran into a teacher during his escape but otherwise didn't stop.

The teacher didn't pay any attention to him. His eyes were on Feliciano who was chatting animatedly with Alfred.

Lars hadn't expected to see him again. Oh no, he certainly hadn't. He smirked before turning and leaving the hall. He didn't want their reunion to be like this. He had something special in mind.

_You say the weight of the world_

_Has kept you from letting go_

_And you think compassions a flaw_

_And you'll never let it go_

_And you're sure you've hurt in a way_

_That no-one will ever know_

_But someday the weight of the world_

_Will give you the strength to go_

_Robot boy- Linkin Park_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry about the late update! My internet connection decided to go on strike… fucking internet…**

**But I hope the bonus update was thoroughly enjoyed! I certainly appreciated the reviews for it :) it was certainly nice considering Facebook started raiding the role-play accounts again meaning I lost several good rp buddies… my account and Italy's survived alright thankfully!**

**Like usual, this is beta-ed by only me, reviews are love and Hetalia still isn't mine.**

_When I see your smile_

_Tears run down my face_

_I can't replace_

_And now that you're strong I have figured out_

_How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul_

_And know I will find _

_Deep inside me_

_I can be the one_

_I will never let you fall_

_I will stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven and_

_Its okay_

_Its okay_

_Your guardian angel- the red jumpsuit apparatus_

Ludwig planned to go to bed or read a book after escaping the infuriatingly weird students he now called classmates and (god help him) his roommate. It would have at least distracted him from, well, everything.

After all his life had just gone from perfectly normal to fucked up in less time than it takes a Ferrari to go from 0 to 60.

1. He had an insane roommate who may or may not be cutting.

2. If said roommate wasn't cutting he was seeing things.

3. Said roommate thought he was hot.

4. Instead of feeling horrified he was feeling... flattered.

5. He was agreeing with his brother about him potentially having a stick up his ass...

He could have carried on with his list of why his life was so fucked but he got distracted by a sketch on the desk which, against his better judgment, he decided to look at. His eyes widened as he took in the ornate pen and pencil work, the beauty of the delicate lines contrasting harshly with the actual image.

It was a young boy, crying his eyes out. Ludwig would recognise the hair curl anywhere but hated to give the obviously devastated boy in the portrait a name. The emotion that had been put into the work was overwhelming.

The pain coming from the sketch made him put the work down, unable to look at it anymore. The German sighed before sitting down on his bed, steadfastly avoiding looking at the paper.

He no longer felt only flattered. Hell, any feelings of flattery had flown out the window along with his theory that he was seeing things. The only thing left was... sadness, even worry. He honestly felt for the infuriatingly happy but obviously hurting Italian.

He didn't know what to call what he was feeling. All he knew was that he wanted nothing more than to help Feliciano.

Damn, maybe there was something in the water...

.o.)O(.o.

By the time Feliciano had returned to the room Ludwig had calmed down a lot. By a lot it meant he was lounging on the bed reading a book. He glanced up as the door opened, seeing the Italian shout out a cheerful farewell before softly closing the door.

"Ve~ I wondered where you got to!" He noted. Ludwig nodded, trying to think of an excuse.

"Ja, I wasn't used to such... company." He tried to explain. It was partially true at least.

Feliciano smiled. "Si, Alfred's cool though don't you think? Arthur scared me though..." He admitted.

Ludwig just shrugged. "He seemed pretty normal to me." Or at least more normal than some of the others... He took a deep breath and tried to get an apologetic look on his face. Judging by Feliciano's face it didn't succeed. "I'm sorry about being a bit unfriendly earlier... Do you think we could start over as friends?" Gott, he sounded so stupid...

Feliciano looked at the supposedly apologetic (To him it looked more like a 'hey, Guess what: I'm a Nazi!' look) suspiciously. He saw a trace of pity and immediately threw up his mental shields. "Ve~ Su-sure. I didn't think you were being unfriendly though…"

Ludwig changed the subject immediately when the Italian appeared to become, at least emotionally, defensive. "Danke, did anything interesting happen? After I left I mean."

Feliciano laughed, face immediately lightening. "Your brother attacked whatsitsface, Alfred's brother again! Ve~ and then Alfred threw his burger at Gilbert which started a food fight. They both got detention for it."

"Gilbert got detention ALREADY?" Ludwig asked exasperatedly before mumbling expletives under his breath. The school term hadn't even started yet... He looked up and frowned at the Italian's spotless clothing. "How come you didn't get food on you if there was a food fight?"

Feliciano chuckled and scratched the back of his head. "Ve~ well... I kinda hid under the table and surrendered..." Ludwig tried to refrain from rolling his eyes. He almost expected to hear that he'd made himself a white flag it was so typically Italian.

"Did you make a white flag?" He asked jokingly, trying to act friendlier.

"Si! Do you want one?"

The German couldn't help it. He had to roll his eyes. "I was joking Feli..."

Feliciano's demeanor immediately changed. He froze, eye's widening fearfully. "Ve~ W-what did you call me?" He asked quietly, stuttering on a few letters.

Ludwig Frowned. "Feli? Feliciano? Are you okay?" He asked, slightly unsure.

Feliciano spun on his heels, murmuring a quick apology and excuse. "Ve~ Sorry! Ve~ I-I have to go to class!" He bolted from the room before the stunned and confused German could point out that it wasn't even nine o'clock in the evening yet and that classes only started the following morning.

Ludwig was never going to attempt to give someone a nickname ever again…

.o.)O(.o.

It took Feliciano three hours of wandering aimlessly through the halls (and getting caught by a teacher who threatened to give him detention if he was found walking around after curfew again) to work up the courage to go back to his room. He couldn't believe he'd been so stupid; it wasn't like Ludwig was going to do the same thing as… what HE did. They were completely different!

_Unless he was pretending like HE was…_

Ludwig was his friend, and friends don't do things like that!

_But didn't HE say he was your friend? Before he did all that?_

Feliciano bit back panicked tears and gave a sheepish chuckle. Dio, all of this over a stupid nickname… How was he meant to face Ludwig after this?

Then again… he REALLY didn't want detention… Besides, Ludwig was probably asleep by now. It was almost midnight after all.

.o.)O(.o.

He wasn't, hell, it looked like he hadn't slept at all.

Ludwig stood up when the door opened, relief clouding his features before he bit it back. "Feliciano? Are you alright? I'm sorry for whatever I did earlier…" He offered.

Feliciano just blinked and forced a smile onto his face. "Ve~ Si, I'm alright…" He quickly busied himself with his pyjamas in an attempt to hide his face and avoid any more questions.

Ludwig looked at the Italian sadly but dropped the subject. He'd seen the red tinge to Feliciano's eyes, the puffiness. The small brunette obviously didn't want to talk about it.

And he didn't want to scare the boy off again…

_Seasons are changing_

_And waves are crashing_

_And stars are falling_

_All for us_

_Days grow longer_

_And nights are shorter_

_I can show you I can be the one_

_I will never let you fall_

_I will stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

_Cause you're my_

_You're my_

_My true love_

_My whole heart_

_Please don't throw that away_

_Your guardian angel- the red jumpsuit apparatus_

**A/N2: please review! I'll be giving the hundredth reviewer a one-shot again so the sooner we reach a hundred reviews the sooner someone wins that story of their choice! Pancakes for all readers and such!**

**And a quick review reply to SquirrelsAreFood since my phone was being a bitch…: Cool username :), and I hope your mom didn't get to freaked out by your little freak out :D. You weren't the only one shouting at the screen so you're not alone in that regard! Hope you enjoyed the update! **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: apparently I spoke too soon about my RP account surviving the facebook massacre… it got blocked. Stupid fuckbook… oh well, new chapter! And rather fluffy and funny in places if I may say so myself :) enjoy, I updated a day early because of all the wonderful reviews! All fifteen of them!**

**Hetalia doesn't belong to me!**

_Cause we hunt you down without mercy_

_Hunt you down all nightmare long_

_Feel us breath upon your face_

_Feel us shift every move we make_

_Hunt you down without mercy_

_Hunt you down all nightmare long_

_Luck runs out_

_I could crawl back in _

_But your luck runs out_

_All nightmare long - Metallica_

"No… Please…." He begged, looking up at the figure that was so much bigger than him. He yelped as the hands pinning him pressed down harder, he'd have bruises in the morning. Lips connected to his collarbone, gently at first then nipping and sucking to leave a purplish mark.

"You don't mean that, do you? You want this even more than I do, don't you?" A voice purred as the larger man pulled away to look at his handiwork. He leered down at him, eyes threatening violence and making the boy shiver.

"V-ve… Si… I do…" He whimpered. He wasn't sure which question he was answering and Lars frowned. His hand twitched before he back handed the boy beneath him.

Feliciano gave a small cry, trying to make himself smaller. "I said you want this don't you?" The Dutchman growled, looking at the reddening mark viciously.

"Ve… I d-do… I want this…" He sobbed. A small part of him agreed with the words. If he didn't want it wouldn't he fight back? Tell someone?

He must have wanted it…He hated himself.

.o.)O(.o.

"No… Please…" Ludwig woke up when he heard the whimpered words. Blinking sleepily and trying to gauge where he was before a small sob made him frown. He turned to the other bed in the room.

"Feliciano?" He asked quietly. Getting up and walking quietly over to the boy. He was shaking and mumbling incoherently.

Ludwig frowned, reaching out and gently touching the dreaming Italian's shoulder. Feliciano woke with a yelp, flinching away from the touch instinctively.

"I'm sorry! Ve~ it's my fault!" Ludwig froze before cautiously reaching out to the terrified Italian. He pulled him into an awkward hug, unsure of what else to do.

"It's just a dream… Don't worry…" He tried to comfort, holding onto the sobbing boy. Feliciano didn't say anything, just released a constant stream of 've's as he cried.

The German tried patting him on the back but stopped when the Italian flinched and gave a scared whimper. Ludwig wasn't sure how long they remained like that, his shoulder was soaked from the other's tears though, but eventually Feliciano seemed to calm down.

Okay, calm down seemed to be the wrong word. He fell asleep again. His breathing growing more even as he kept on clutching the German's arms tightly.

This of course left Ludwig sitting on the other's bed with an apparently traumatized Italian on his lap.

And to make it worse, he didn't have the heart to wake him despite the uncomfortable position.

Ludwig sighed, moving back slightly to lean against the wall. Feliciano shifted a little, mumbling something softly as he gripped the German tighter. At least he seemed comfortable.

The blonde just chuckled, rubbing the Italian's back soothingly before allowing his eyes to drift shut. He didn't mind his discomfort too much, just as long as Feliciano was comfortable.

Before he fell asleep though he couldn't help but wonder. He was hardly the most social or friendly individual, he was a loner. So why did this feel so right?

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano woke up very confused, he kept his eyes shut for a bit and frowned. He was pretty sure that when he went to bed his mattress wasn't this… solid. Or weirdly shaped come to think about it. A small puff of air brushed his ear and made him flinch before he opened his eyes.

He had fallen asleep on Ludwig.

HE had fallen ASLEEP on LUDWIG.

The night's events came back to him, the dream, the hug, everything. Feliciano couldn't believe it. How could he have done all that? Now what was he going to do? The last time he'd checked falling asleep on one's roommate after bawling your eyes out on his shoulder was hardly good etiquette.

Maybe he could pretend he was still asleep? Ludwig was very comfortable after all… Si, that was a good idea. Either that or he could just run out of the room shouting out that he surrendered.

On second thought. Maybe he should just run.

He tried to get up without waking the German but let out a squeak when Ludwig mumbled something incoherent and held onto him. Okay… pretending to be asleep it was…

Feliciano was just getting comfortable again, or as comfortable as anyone like him could get, when the door to their room burst open. Feliciano let out another squeak, it probably would have been louder if Ludwig hadn't leapt awake and instinctively grabbed him tighter.

"Kesesese! I knew it!" An obnoxious voice chuckled as Gilbert looked at the two of them. Ludwig blushed and immediately let go of Feliciano.

"Verdamt bruder! What the hell? I wasn't- he-" The younger brother spluttered. Gilbert just laughed.

"Not a problem, I'll just ignore the fact that you were getting nice and intimate with your little Italian cause I'm such an awesome brother!" Ludwig was bright red.

"Ve~ we weren't-" Feliciano murmured softly. He didn't want to think of anything like that.

"Why are you here Gil?" Ludwig interrupted. It was way too early for his brother's nonsense.

Gilbert shrugged, collapsing onto Feliciano's now crowded bed. "Lovino was being unawesome and kicked me out for Antonio. And Matthew slammed the door in my face when I tried to get into his room so I decided to come visit you until class starts! Awesome right?"

"Ve~ you also have P.E. first?" Feliciano asked.

"Hell yeah! Everyone in our grade does!"

Ludwig bit back a groan. He was suddenly dreading the gym period.

.o.)O(.o.

Breakfast was just as bad as the unexpected visit. Now that people were getting to know each other everyone was forming into groups. Ludwig had planned on sitting off on his own (or rather with Feliciano who was yet again impersonating a leech on his arm) but had been grabbed by Gilbert who claimed that he wasn't going to let his little brother do something so unawesome like sit alone and dragged both the German and the Italian over to where Antonio, a scowling Lovino and a blonde who revealed himself to be named Francis were sitting.

He then proceeded to describe how he'd found the two which resulted in Lovino shouting at Ludwig and Francis asking Lovino if he was just being cranky because his butt hurt. Antonio then told off Francis (once Lovino was done hitting the Frenchman) which at least gave Ludwig a chance to sit down. It hadn't even been two minutes yet.

Ludwig planned on sitting somewhere else as soon as the first opportunity came up.

.o.)O(.o.

P.E. was almost a relief to get to after the fiasco of a morning in which he'd been shouted at seven times, teased ten times, embarrassed twelve times and, god help him, molested twice. He swore to himself that he was going to find somewhere else to sit for lunch. Somewhere far away from his brother.

Of course he should have guessed that the period would be just as questionable as everything else. When you put a large group of predominately gay guys together to get changed, well, it wasn't pretty. Or fun.

Unless you were one of the guys doing the checking out or just oblivious. Then it was fine.

At first he thought Feliciano was just oblivious because he didn't seem overly concerned by the fact that:

Arthur was swearing like a sailor due to a shirtless Alfred smacking his ass the minute he took his pants off.

Francis was unabashedly flirting and groping anyone within a few feet.

Gilbert had yet again kidnapped Matthew and was proceeding to feel him up.

Antonio appeared to be doing a strip tease for a blushing Lovino

Then he noticed Feliciano's eyes on him, unashamedly checking out his ass.

This wasn't going to end well…

_Luck runs out_

_The light that is not light is here_

_To flush you out with your own fear_

_You hide_

_You hide_

_But will be found_

_Release your grip without a sound_

_Still life_

_Immolation_

_Still life_

_Infamy_

_Hallucination_

_Heresy_

_Still you run_

_What's to come?_

_What's to pay?_

_All nightmare long- Metallica_

**A/N2: usual order of pancakes for everyone! Reviewers get seconds :)**

**And a quick review reply to BeyOndscared because my phone's a bitch…**

**Ja, it depresses me to write it… hope you enjoy the update!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: God I'm mean… And Ramble a lot. Don't hate me too much for this 'kay? Oh and sorry about Alfred and Gilbert trying to sneak into the story… the bastards are trying to steal the plot.**

**Another early update since it's my birthday and I feel generous :) thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I start grinning every time I get one!**

_Maybe I have been here before_

_I know this room I've walked these floors_

_I used to live alone before I knew you_

_I've seen your flag on the marble arch_

_Love is not a victory march_

_It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah- Rufus Wainwright_

In the end the P.E. teacher managed to get all the students onto the field. Though Ludwig had to question his methods and, more importantly, whether he would actually carry out his threat…

"If there is anyone left in here after ten seconds they'll be shot!" Coach Zwingli stated quite seriously. He was tossing a soccer ball absentmindedly as he watched the student with a scowl that rivalled Arthur's.

He was convincing enough to have everyone on the field within five seconds so no-one got to see if he was actually serious. Gilbert noted this, and he wasn't the only one who appeared disappointed.

"Damn… I was hoping the albino would get buckshot up his ass…" Alfred muttered glaring at the German who made a comment in return involving the actual gun and Alfred's ass.

Feliciano tugged on Ludwig's sleeve. "V-ve~ he wouldn't REALLY shoot us… would he?"

Ludwig shook his head, trying to ignore the argument his brother was getting involved in. "I doubt it, it's illegal after all…"

They all shut up when Coach Zwingli turned a steely gaze on them all. He tossed the ball to Gilbert who caught it, eyebrows raised slightly.

"Since you and the American seem to be so keen to face each other why don't you become team captains?" There was a snarky edge to his voice.

"You serious coach?" Alfred asked nervously, making sure he wasn't just being sarcastic.

"Dead serious, Jones. You pick someone and then Beilschmidt will pick until you have two teams. What are you waiting for?" Coach Zwingli snapped.

Feliciano tried to hide behind Ludwig. The Swiss man was scary…

Alfred opened his mouth meaning to call out Arthur's name when he saw Gilbert's eyes on his brother. He looked at his boyfriend apologetically. "Mattie?"

Matthew breathed a sigh of relief and trotted over to his brother. Arthur flipped Alfred the finger when the coach wasn't looking.

"Hey! Birdie was mine!" Gilbert snarled. He shut up when the coach glared at him. "Arthur?"

The Brit gave an unamused laugh, going to stand by Gilbert without looking at his boyfriend. It appeared that both Captains had decided that if they didn't get to be with who they wanted to be with then no-one should because the slowly but surely split up every dating couple in the class.

Alfred managed to get hold of Matthew, Yao, Francis, Lovino, Raivis, Sadiq, Heracles, Feliks, Mathias, Tino and to Gilbert's anger Ludwig. This left Gilbert with Arthur, Ivan, Kiku, Antonio, Toris, Eduard, Berwald, Lukas, Emil and Feliciano. Gilbert started sizing up the other team immediately, his eyes falling on those he assumed would be the strongest players: Lovino, Mathias, Sadiq, Heracles, Ludwig and of course Alfred. Then he noticed the rifts beginning to form within the team.

Lovino was glaring at Ludwig murderously whilst Sadiq and Heracles were already beginning to argue.

"Hey Jones, let's make this interesting. Winning team gets to take whoever they want from the other team on a date, deal?" Gilbert offered with a grin, his eyes on Matthew.

Alfred paused, looking between Matthew who was vehemently shaking his head and Arthur who was steadfastly ignoring him. He then let his gaze fall on his team comparing them to the other team. Personally he thought he had the stronger team. And then he could take Arthur on a date and apologise!

"Deal!" He grinned as his brother let out a small groan that practically no-one noticed.

.o.)O(.o.

The game was painful. There was no other way to describe it.

Lovino was too focused on trying to trip Ludwig up to show his true potential which severely crippled the team, Sadiq and Heracles were doing the same. And Francis and Feliks proved to be useless at the sport.

It didn't help that Feliciano, Arthur and Antonio proved to be very good at soccer. The result?

Alfred's team suffering the horrific loss of six to nil. The other team was just too good and more than willing to follow up on the bet with much blushing (and horror on Alfred's part as his still very much pissed off boyfriend invited Francis out).

"V-ve? Ludwig?" A quiet voice asked at the German's side. He glanced over to see a very nervous Italian.

"Feliciano?" He asked hesitantly. Gott, don't let this be going where he thought it was going…

"Um… Ve… I have to take someone out… ve… er… Do you want to go out for coffee… or something?" He asked nervously before glancing over at Gilbert who gave him a thumb's up. Why did Ludwig suddenly suspect his brother of pressurising the Italian…?

But he could hardly refuse him now could he? One, he wasn't ALLOWED to (damn bet…) and two, well… How could he refuse him? He looked like a kicked puppy and if Ludwig had a soft spot it was for dogs… and apparently soppy Italians…

"Sure Feliciano, I'd love to go out with you…" He expected the Italian's face to break into a grin at his words but was surprised when a flash of anxiety crossed his features.

Feliciano got it under control though, hiding the fear with a cheerful grin. "Grazi, we can go after school!" He offered, forcing excitement into his tone. He was beginning to wish Gilbert never got into that bet.

After all, a date could very easily lead to sex and he'd had more than enough of that to last a lifetime. Why anyone would ever want to go through that willingly he would never know…

He shook his head to get rid of those thoughts.

"Ve? What do we have next?" Feliciano asked. Ludwig frowned, thinking for a second.

"Um… Maths, but we have to shower and get changed first." The German explained, his frown deepened as dread crossed the italian's face. "Don't you like maths?" He asked, starting to walk back to the changing rooms.

"ve… not really…" Not at all actually, but Feliciano wasn't going to explain that.

"Oh… I could help you or tutor you if you want?" Ludwig offered in an attempt to both be friendly and calm the Italian. He didn't like the frown forming on his face… It didn't help though.

The dread turned into downright fear.

"V-ve… It's fine… um…I need to shower! I'll see you in maths!" Feliciano squeaked before bolting and leaving Ludwig yet again standing and wondering what he'd done wrong. To make it worse, the blonde actually hated himself for scaring him off again.

Why did he have to fall for the neurotic one?

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano eventually caught up to the class right after the bell rang. He was panting and seemed a little hot. Though Ludwig was hardly surprised about that, he thought as he looked at the Italian.

Feliciano had changed into a long sleeved shirt despite the sun steadily climbing higher in the sky. He collapsed into the seat next to Ludwig gratefully.

"You're lucky the teacher's not here yet." Ludwig commented, looking at the small brunette with a raised eyebrow. He was still panting. "Aren't you hot?" He asked. The other was slightly red in the face.

"S-si…" Feliciano managed to get out between pants. Stupid water washing away the stupid foundation… He was lucky that he'd actually had- He was distracted by the teacher walking into the room.

Blonde with gravity defying hair, a scar on his forehead, his eyes met with his own and made the Italian start hyperventilating.

No. He couldn't be here.

He couldn't be here!

Feliciano suddenly felt a little light headed, lack of oxygen, shock and heat finally catching up to him.

Ludwig's eyes went wide and he had to scramble to catch the boy as he fainted.

_Maybe there's a god above but all I ever learnt from love _

_Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you_

_It's not a cry you can hear at night_

_It's not somebody who's seen the light_

_It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah _

_Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah- Rufus Wainwright_

**Please review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: and for once I can write from experience! Probably shouldn't be so happy about that… but I have actually fainted several times. Not fun, take it from me. And embarrassing _**

**I would have updated earlier but decided to delete my other story "the world vs. cleverbot" and block me for a few days for using a script/ chat room format. Right at the same time as I NEEDED to post some angst to cope with my own. I've made a tumblr account as a precaution under 'brattyteenagewerewolf' so if I get deleted look for me there. Though I'll try to stay on here :)**

**Seriously, Italy: I miss you more than I could ever believe possible. You've managed to reduce someone who is incapable of showing her emotions to tears (three times in one day. THREE!) And who is scared of allowing people to grow close to her to pining for a simple hug from you. I still love you, unbelievably so.**

_I tear my heart open_

_I saw myself shot_

_My weakness is that I care too much_

_My scars remind me_

_That the past is real_

_I tear my heart open_

_Just to fail_

_Scars- Papa Roach_

.o.)O(.o.

"Feliciano? Feliciano! Can you hear me?"

"What happened?"

"I think he fainted…"

Feliciano blinked trying to get rid of the black haze before his eyes as his hearing came back. He heard footsteps and a few nervous voices that didn't quite make sense. He tried to remember what had happened but it was all blurry… kinda like his vision.

"I'll take him to the nurse." A worried voice, heavily accented, stated from nearby. He felt hands on him, lifting him up as everything suddenly came into focus.

"Ve? Lu-Ludwig?" Feliciano murmured weakly. The blonde had scooped him up quite easily and was walking briskly from the classroom.

"Feliciano? Danke Gott… Are you okay? What happened?" The German seemed uneasy, even panicked. The Italian chuckled weakly.

"Ve… I was hoping you could tell me…" He was still feeling a bit disorientated.

Ludwig frowned. "You fainted, just as Mr Van Dyk came into the room. It must have been heat stroke or something…" He pondered. He felt the brunette stiffen as everything came back to him.

"Haha… ve… si… that must be it." Feliciano focussed on controlling his breathing in order to prevent himself from passing out again. Once he was sure he wasn't going to faint he chanced speaking again. "Ve… I can walk if you want…" he offered.

"You're as white as a sheet and shaking. Like hell you're walking!" Ludwig scoffed. Feliciano frowned, he was?

He lifted an arm and saw that the German was right, he was in fact shaking. His thoughts went back to the teacher and he couldn't help but feel light headed again.

How could he be here? Ludwig started speaking again but the Italian didn't hear him. He didn't even notice the German start walking even faster.

.o.)O(.o.

Looking back, Ludwig wasn't sure how he got the door open without dropping the unresponsive Italian… but he somehow managed to get him onto the bed and explain what had happened to Elizaveta.

"He just passed out… I didn't know what to do… and then he became distant… is it heat stroke? What?" Ludwig stated anxiously, his words running into each other as the nurse took Feliciano's pulse, temperature and checked his pupils.

She frowned. "His temperature's a little high but not worryingly so… It looks like he's in shock…" She suggested, standing to grab a glass before turning back to the German. "Do you mind just getting his shirt off? It might help him cool down." She explained. "I'm just going to get him some sugar water."

Ludwig nodded, turning back to brunette as Elizaveta left. "You'll be okay Feli, you'll be okay…" He murmured comfortingly, more to himself than the Italian.

He slowly started to pull Feliciano's shirt off, the boy making it difficult through what seemed to be half-hearted protests as he seemed to realise what was happening. It was awkward and difficult but he eventually got the shirt off.

Then he realised that he certainly wasn't crazy. The scars were there for everyone to see. There were more than he originally thought, the ones on his arms just the icing on the cake. He had a small scattering of nicks and faded pink and white lines along his stomach as well.

Feliciano started sobbing as Ludwig stared. "V-ve… I'm s-sorry… It's my fault…" He still seemed disorientated but he was slowly coming back to reality. "Please don't t-tell… v-ve… p-please?" He begged.

Ludwig was beyond words. All he could do was nod weakly and be grateful that Elizaveta came back at that moment.

If the nurse noticed the scars she didn't comment on them, just gave the Italian the glass and told him to drink it. Feliciano appeared to calm down as he sipped the sugary water. His colour also returned slowly and his hands were no longer shaking which calmed Ludwig down a bit.

Both boys remained silent as Elizaveta retook each of Feliciano's vitals. She smiled once she was done, turning back to Ludwig.

"He seems to be doing much better now. I think I'd prefer him to rest for the rest of the day though…" She mused. "If I wrote you both notes would you mind staying with him?" Elizaveta asked. Ludwig could see the hidden meaning in her words.

Keep an eye on him.

He nodded, giving a sigh of relief. "Sure, can we go?" He asked. The nurse nodded, heading over to the small cluttered desk to start writing the notes.

Ludwig grabbed Feliciano's shirt, giving it to him wordlessly. The Italian gave a sheepish grimace before accepting the material and slipping it on. He didn't meet Ludwig's eyes even when the German offered him a hand to help him stand.

The silence was anything but comfortable as they walked back to their room, the tension overpowering. Thoughts were racing through both boys' minds, a collection of unanswered questions and panicked theories. They remained quiet until they reached the door, letting themselves in.

"Why, Feliciano?" Ludwig asked quietly, locking the door behind him. For a moment it seemed the Italian hadn't heard him as he busied himself with grabbing a cooler shirt. He slipped it on, giving an anxious glance in Ludwig's direction before grabbing the foundation and applying liberal amounts to his arms.

The German waited patiently before opening his mouth to re-ask his question. He was interrupted by Feliciano before he could though, the Italian still not looking in his direction.

"Ve… Because I deserve it…" He murmured quietly, staring down at his arms.

Ludwig frowned, "But why Feli?"

"Ve… please don't call me that." Feliciano asked almost inaudibly, he finally looked up to meet Ludwig's blue eyes with his own honey coloured orbs. "Please?"

The German nodded. "O-Okay Feliciano… But please tell me why you-"

"Ve? Why I cut?" The Italian interrupted, he chuckled bitterly before looking away. "Because I did something stupid. Ve… something wrong. I deserve everything I got and more…" He sighed, sensing that Ludwig was about to question him again. "I don't want to talk about it Ludwig."

Ludwig paused; he doubted he was going to get a straight answer. "You don't deserve this Feliciano." He said simply.

Feliciano didn't answer him or even look in his direction. He just curled up on his bed and turned his back towards the German.

.o.)O(.o.

_I tried to help you once_

_I guess my own advice_

_I saw you going down _

_But you never realised_

_That you're drowning in the water_

_So I offered you my hand_

_Compassion's in my nature_

_Tonight is our last stand_

_Scars- Papa Roach_

**A/N2: some review replies I couldn't reply to via pm:**

**Canada: I know the feeling, logging in can be such a schlep… very amusing review though, I actually laughed and cheered you on before I remembered that I was writing the story… thanks for the review though!**

**Pithy: I try my best to get them longer but sadly that's the best I can do… and as for the cliffies, well that was an English lesson I learnt a while ago about keeping people's interest, so don't worry, I don't think you're being an ungrateful bitch :) Ja, Arthur was not impressed! Francis was just the logical choice since he wasn't dating anyone :)**

**I don't feel like logging in: …you did that to bug me didn't you? *likes to know people's names* I like your idea though! *starts sewing a cape* glad you liked it! Hope the update didn't take too long… blame the site.**

**Someone: *eye twitch* why won't you guys give me your names! I don't bite, promise! *realizes she sounds like a stalker…* glad you think so :) also like the song a lot even though it's sad… hope you didn't mind the wait…**

**Someone: …are you the same someone as before? But thanks for the review, hope you liked the update!**

**Cookie: glad you liked it! I update at least once a week so you should be good! Thanks for the review!**

**Okay and that's all 24 reviews done and answered… *passes out* seriously, thanks! Your reviews mean the world to me! They made my month bearable! Believe it or not but I actually had a cancer scare which scared the shit out of me (Prussia, calm down! I'm fine! This is why I didn't tell you or Italy until I was positive it was harmless! I knew you'd panic and I'd rather die than scare you like that!) Thankfully it turned out to be a benign lump. But point is, I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**Oh and congratulations to LudyFeli for being the 100****th**** reviewer! A GerIta wedding fic is being worked on!**

**Prussia, your request is finished but I won't post it until the deletion stops. It's too kinky.**

**Pancakes for everyone like usual! And fingers crossed I survive the deletion! *takes account and hides under a rock***


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: what's this? An update already? I'm going to need to write very quickly if I do this… I've only got three more prewritten chapters left and then I'll need to write like mad! But considering I want to go do a holiday job in the outback as a jillaroo (Aussie equivalent of a cowgirl) and will be out of cellphone and internet range for 3-6 months I want to get this finished as soon as possible so you guys aren't left hanging when I vanish.**

***Cracks her knuckles* better get started then! Enjoy the chapter and please don't kill me!**

.o.)O(.o.

_You're doing fine_

_Most of the time_

_You sit and wonder what tomorrow brings_

_All kinds of things_

_You sit and wait_

_You hesitate_

_Just like you've never been in love before_

_There's so much more_

_On your own_

_And though you feel alone_

_You are alive_

_Don't you know it's just another day?_

_You are alive- fragma_

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano had just started to dose off when the door burst open, bouncing off the wall with a loud crash. He yelped, leaping up before falling off the bed in a tangle of limbs.

Ludwig also jumped but managed to retain his dignity to frown at the intruder. "Ever hear of knocking? And I thought I locked the door?" He asked.

Lovino didn't even spare him a glance, just held up the bobby pin that he'd used to pick the lock. Instead he went straight over to his brother and offered him a hand.

"Fucking idiota… Are you okay?" He asked, tenderness leaking into his words despite the swearing. He may have been rude and just a teeny bit jealous of his younger twin (though he'd never admit it) but he still cared for him.

Feliciano took the offered hand and managed to get back on his feet. "Ve? Si Lovi~ just a bit heat stroke…" He explained, giving a quick glance at Ludwig as though nervous his secret and lie would be caught out.

Ludwig sighed and turned his back on the twins, going to close the door that was still hanging open.

"Don't you have lessons to go to, Lovino?" He asked, turning back to them.

Lovino spared him a glance though it was more to smirk at him. "Check the time bastard, its lunch time." He explained before going back to checking his brother's temperature.

"Ve? I'm fine Fratello…" Feliciano promised. "Won't Antonio be looking for you?" He asked in attempt to distract his brother.

It worked and Lovino blinked, taking his hand away from the younger Italian's forehead. "The tomato bastard? Nah, he said something about setting up this evening…" He blushed before mumbling several expletives.

"What's this evening?" Ludwig asked curiously. Technically he just wanted to know what was making him so flustered. And maybe he was enjoying it a bit more then he should… but Lovino had spent P.E. trying to trip him up.

"I've got a date…" Lovino half mumbled half spat from clenched teeth. "Stupid bet… not like I want to…" He tried to explain away. He was cut off by his brother hugging him.

"Aw! So cute!" He said excitedly as Lovino started spluttering and trying to throw his brother off.

"Idiota! Get off damn it! Feliciano!" He barely stopped swearing when Feliciano did let go of him with wide eyes.

"Ve? I haven't planned anything for this evening…" He mumbled with wide eyes.

"What?" Lovino asked, pausing in his constant stream of expletives to stare at his brother suspiciously.

Ludwig also looked at Feliciano, trying to make sense of his statement. He was even more confused when the Italian looked at him.

"Ve… Our date." He seemed just as nervous and embarrassed as Ludwig suddenly felt.

"Hell no!" Lovino swore. "You are NOT fucking going out with HIM!" he shouted. He looked like he could have kept swearing and possibly even attack Ludwig but they heard a distant bell ring. "Fuck…" the elder twin looked between Feliciano's confused face, Ludwig's resigned and embarrassed one and the door. "This isn't over!" He promised before running for the door.

Ludwig winced as the door met the wall again. "Ve? Bye Lovi~" Feliciano called out before turning back to the German.

"You don't have to go on a date with me you know… My brother's just an idiot…" He offered, he hated how depressed that one statement made him feel.

"Ve? No, it was a bet… What do you want to do?" Feliciano murmured with a slight blush.

Ludwig shrugged; a light dusting of pink appearing on his cheekbones as well. "I don't mind…"

"Um… Ve… Do you just want to go into town then?" Feliciano asked, not looking at the German.

Ludwig shrugged again, not too keen on the idea of going into it without a plan but unable to think of anything better. "Sounds good. When?"

"Um… In an hour? Ve?" Feliciano asked, he smiled when Ludwig nodded. "Ve~ It's a date then~" He flinched at his words, surprised by the excitement in them.

"Ja, I guess it is…" Ludwig murmured, blushing slightly. He ignored the small flinch, promising to learn the Italian's secrets whenever Feli was ready to share them.

.o.)O(.o.

The Hetalia academy of higher Education was barely fifteen minutes away from the nearby city of Pasadena. In fact it was surprising that for a school so close to a big city like Los Angeles there was only one American in Ludwig's and Feliciano's grade. Matthew, having admitted to being Canadian and Alfred's half-brother rather than full brother, didn't count apparently.

The school also gave its students special privileges such as the opportunity to go into the nearby city during non-school hours or with a special note provided they were back by dinner. Thus no-one questioned Ludwig or Feliciano (who was yet again clutching his arm) as they strolled out the gates and started to walk down to the city, pausing to hail a cab.

No-one even spared them a glance even when the Italian started chattering away loudly (and occasionally in Italian until Ludwig reminded him that he was limited to English and German…) about whether or not they could go for pasta. He then proceeded to cheer happily when Ludwig gave a resigned yes.

Despite the fact that they were as different as could be and that the Italian kind of represented everything Ludwig hated (noise, disorder, weirdness etc.) the German soon found himself with a smile on his face, even answering Feliciano's endless stream of questions cheerfully. He felt surprisingly… happy?

.o.)O(.o.

Lars could barely hide the anger and disappointment on his face when the Italian had fainted. He'd been hoping for a chance to either give the boy 'extra lessons' or even a detention, anything to have him alone in his room after school ended.

In the ten years since he'd left the Italian's junior school he hadn't been able to stop thinking about him. He had been tempted to remain at the school but considering what he'd done it had been stupid to remain as long as he had. He was amazed that the teen hadn't told anyone but then again he had always been careful. Only choosing those who were obviously timid or too kind hearted to get anyone in trouble to make sure he didn't bring the law down on his head.

But he just couldn't resist the urges he felt. He needed to be in control and the thrill he got from having a scared boy beneath him didn't compare to anything else he'd tried. He couldn't just leave Feliciano alone, it would drive him mad if he did.

He needed him.

He sighed in frustration from the fact. He had to force a kind smile on his face when a timid knock came on the door. "Come in."

"You wanted to see me, sir?" Matthew asked quietly, coming into the room and straightening his glasses. He'd had to run from the other side of the expansive school to get to the maths classroom and a slight red flush covered his face as he panted.

Lars may have preferred brunettes but he'd just have to make do. Besides, the quiet Canadian did look very appealing when he was flushed and panting… "Yes, would you mind giving Feliciano and the German their homework?" He asked.

Matthew nodded, moving closer to the desk. "Um sure… Anything else?"

Lars paused, getting to his feet and closing the door. Matthew flinched at the sound of the lock clicking shut, eyes widening nervously. He took a step back; he could feel that something was wrong.

"Well, since you offered… There is something you could do..." Lars leered. Matthew flinched away again moving so his back was against the desk.

"w-what's that sir?" he asked, trying to keep his voice level in an attempt to look tougher. He shivered though as his teacher smiled at him.

"I have a… little problem I'd like you to fix."

.o.)O(.o.

_You turn around_

_You're lost and found_

_Searching for someone who'll understand_

_I'll hold your hand_

_You count the days_

_A hopeless case_

_But for the first time you'll wait for me_

_Patiently_

_On your own_

_And though you feel alone_

_You are alive_

_Don't you know it's just another day?_

_You are alive- fragma_

.o.)O(.o.

**A/N2: DON'T KILL ME! IT'S ALL FOR PLOT, PROMISE! *throws Lars out as a peace offering***

**Review replies!**

**Eh Low Kin: I'm happy that this is your favourite fanfiction at the moment! Thanks for the review and I hope you enjoyed the update! **

**Pancakes for everyone!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: please don't kill me… I promise Lars will get what's coming to him! *throws out next chapter and runs* DON'T KILL ME!1! I'm bruised enough as is…**

**And could someone please kick my ass so that I reply to reviews AS I GET THEM, I just replied to 33 at once on my phone… but then again, THIRTY REVIEWS! I have NEVER received that many reviews in such a short space of time for a SINGLE chapter! *passes out in shock***

**Hetalia isn't mine.**

_Running in circles_

_I'm chasing my tail_

_A tale of two cities_

_The place i call home_

_And it shows_

_So you know_

_Falling to pieces_

_Again and again_

_You tell me I'm empty_

_You try to break me down_

_So you run_

_Run and hide_

_I was trying to be someone_

_But now I'm someone i never meant to be_

_All the voices that tell me I'm wrong_

_All the voices i fear_

_And they're keeping me here_

_But I'll find my way_

_Through whatever they say_

_And the games that they play_

_With a smile on my face_

_I'll show them_

_And I'll say_

_Just look at me now_

_Look at me now- Breed 77_

.o.)O(.o.

Ludwig took a few tentative bites of the pasta he'd ordered. He wasn't exactly used to Italian food and watching Feliciano shovel the dish down was slightly disconcerting. The boy was thin as a twig yet was eating like a glutton.

He bit back a chuckle; Feliciano was an enigma and contradiction alright. He took another bite of the pasta. It wasn't bad… he just wasn't about to name it his favourite food. He felt a pair of eyes on him and looked up to see the Italian in question staring at him. Or rather at his mushroom ravioli…

"Ve? Can I try some?" He asked quietly. His own Marina Carbonara had been reduced to a few smears of sauce in the bowl and a small smudge on his face.

Ludwig sighed, spearing one of the pasta pieces with his fork and offering it to the Italian. Feliciano grinned and took it, murmuring a quick 'Grazi'. Ludwig couldn't help but notice that his 've's seemed to be becoming less common as the evening wore on.

He shook his head and laughed. "You've got sauce on your face." He explained, pointing at the smudge.

Feliciano frowned, going cross eyed in an attempt to see the smudge Ludwig was pointing at. "Where? I can't-" All he succeeded in doing was going more cross eyed and when he tried rubbing his cheek it just spread the sauce more.

Ludwig smiled, reaching out and removing the smudge for him. Feliciano flinched at the contact, eyes going wide.

Both parties pulled away, Ludwig looking at the other apologetically whilst Feliciano just seemed nervous.

"Sorry…" Ludwig offered as the silence became overbearing. The Italian blinked, cocking his head.

"Ve? You're… Sorry?" He repeated slowly, unable to believe his eyes when Ludwig nodded.

"Ja, I didn't mean to startle you…" He explained. Feliciano still looked at him with wide eyes, no-one had ever apologised for making him flinch. Hell, no-one had really apologised to him for anything, it was always the Italian that did the apologising.

"Ve… it's… okay?" He murmured uncertainly. He was still trying to get over the fact that someone had just said sorry to him for something no-one else noticed.

Ludwig noticed the Italian's anxiety but politely ignored it, going back to his pasta. "You can have more if you want…" He offered.

Feliciano nodded, tentatively using his own fork to take another piece. He didn't understand what was going on but he could feel something changing. Something big.

That something scared him.

.o.)O(.o.

Matthew shut the door behind him with wide but blank eyes, barely paying attention to the click of the lock. He was glad that his room was empty even if he couldn't remember the reason why that Spanish roommate of his was missing.

He collapsed on his bed, burying his face in his pillow. He whimpered slightly as the cotton rubbed against the bruise already forming on his face. Matthew was too panicked and confused to focus too much on the pain though, he had bigger things to worry about.

Like the fact that he'd just been forced to give his teacher a blow job. He could feel tears pricking his eyes out of shame.

He should have fought back more… not given in after he'd been slapped. What was his brother going to say? His parents? He didn't even know who he could tell…

No-one would believe him against a teacher. There was no evidence and Mr van Dyk had threatened to fail him or worse if he tried to tell anyone! They'd call him a liar, and if they did believe him he'd be a whore.

No, he couldn't tell anyone…

Matthew sobbed at the thought. He'd never felt so alone… He wasn't even sure how he was going to deliver the homework he'd been told to give Feliciano and Ludwig… How could he face anyone like this?

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano couldn't even think about Lars van Dyk as he left the restaurant with Ludwig. He couldn't believe how much fun he was having with the German; it was as if the last ten years hadn't happened. For once he felt as if he could actually be fixed.

He didn't even instinctively flinch away when around strangers, choosing instead to smile at them, shouting out greetings in Italian or English.

He even cheerfully greeted one of the older students as the pair walked back through the gates. The dreadlocked boy raised an eyebrow before nodding; finishing the cigar he'd been smoking before giving Ludwig a look that clearly said to tell no-one. Smoking was highly disapproved of in the school.

Ludwig nodded in acknowledgement, gripping Feliciano's hand a bit tighter as he headed inside. The boy just grinned at him, barely noticing anything.

In fact up until the point where they reached their room again it all went well.

"Grazi Ludwig… I… Had fun." Feliciano murmured tentatively, gazing down at their joined hands. The German hadn't even tried to force him to let go this time.

Ludwig nodded, looking at Feliciano with a slight blush on his cheeks. "Danke, I… did too…" He mumbled, catching the other's eye before steadying his nerves.

Feliciano froze, eyes widening as Ludwig leaned in closer. The German's lips brushed against his own before he reacted, pulling away in a blind panic. He didn't even notice the other's wince as their heads collided violently, leaving a reddening mark on both their faces.

"Ve… I'm… I've got to go!" He stammered, bolting into their room and pulling the door closed. Ludwig frowned at the soft click of the lock, not only was he now confused by the Italian's behaviour he was also locked out of his room.

He gave a soft sigh, raising a fist to knock on the door. "Feliciano? I'm sorry… Please let me in?" He could faintly hear something that sounded like quiet sobs but the door remained locked. He softly cursed the fact that his key was sitting by his bed.

He couldn't even break the door down without getting into trouble and terrifying Feliciano… And as for picking the lock, well, that was a skill he didn't know…

He sighed again, sitting down and leaning against the wall. It looked like he'd just have to wait it out…

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano sat curled up on his bed trying to stifle the wracking sobs coming from his chest. The worst part was that he barely understood why he was so scared. Ludwig had been nothing but kind and understanding but he was still terrified that the German was going to hurt him.

Everytime the German came close to him or did anything affectionate it was as if he vanished only to be replaced by Lars and his cruel but oh so true words.

He heard someone knocking on the door but ignored it, trying to make himself as small as possible. The noises stopped eventually and the Italian relaxed slightly. It wasn't fair to Ludwig he realised, he deserved much better.

He deserved better than a tainted and broken Italian. Someone who would probably never be able to return or give him the love he deserved. He vaguely heard Ludwig begging him to open the door, his voice apologetic, as if it was his fault. Feliciano gave a choked sob as he felt the guilt rise up. It was overbearing, more so than the silence.

In a daze he reached out and grabbed his craft knife from its spot on the desk, gazing at the sharp blade blankly. He closed his eyes, blindly rolling up his sleeve and pressing the cold metal against his bare skin. He gave a soft gasp of pain as it cut through his flesh, warm blood flowing down his arm in red streams.

He pulled the blade away, feeling the usual calmness overtaking him. It wasn't enough but at least it was something… The pain took his focus away from everything else, he no longer thought of Lars or Ludwig as he pressed the knife against his skin again, noticing nothing but the sharp sting and the ticklish sensation of blood running down his arm.

His eyes were blank as he stared at the red liquid. It wasn't Ludwig's fault.

It was his…

.o.)O(.o.

_But still I remember_

_The words that you chose_

_You said i was crazy_

_And my dreams would not come true_

_So you run_

_Run and hide_

_I was trying to be someone_

_But now I'm someone i never meant to be_

_All the voices that tell me I'm wrong_

_All the voices i fear_

_And they're keeping me here_

_But I'll find my way_

_Through whatever they say_

_And the games that they play_

_With a smile on my face_

_I'll show them_

_And I'll say_

_Just look at me now_

_Look at me now- Breed 77_

**A/N2: *pops head out for review replies***

**Thisismahhouse: I'M SORRY! I feel so guilty for doing this to Canada! Thanks for the review!**

**Impatient Fanfic stalker: wow, you've been stalking me that long O_O *is flattered* I'm sorry for hurting Mattie and Feli! I lost control of the story again… but yes, Lars will get what's coming to him! *evil laugh***

**Chai: hehe, take it you're a RusCan fan :) I don't mind reading the odd one even though I prefer PruCan (im open to pretty much anything :)) though I like your thinking! Thanks for the review!**

**Someone: guessing this is the same someone from last time… thanks for the review and I hope you enjoyed the update!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: relatively short chapter unfortunately… I'll make sure I finish up chapter sixteen as soon as possible so that I can update again! Thanks for all the reviews, they equal love 3**

**Hetalia isn't mine!**

_Softly we tremble tonight_

_Picture perfect paintings lost_

_Are all that's left inside_

_I said I'd never leave_

_But you'll never change_

_I'm not satisfied with where I am in life_

_Am I supposed to be happy?_

_When all I ever wanted_

_Comes with a price_

_Am I supposed to be happy?_

_When all I ever wanted_

_It comes with a price_

_You said_

_You said you would die for me_

_But you must live for me too_

_Cat and Mouse- red jumpsuit apparatus_

.o.)O(.o.

Ludwig sighed, slipping down to lean against the wall next to the still locked door. Not only was Feliciano not unlocking the door he also refused to talk to the German. The blonde hadn't felt this useless in a long time…

"Try to make a move too early west? Kesesese!" his brother cackled, making Ludwig jump. The albino stood grinning down at him, having snuck up on him without the German noticing.

"Verdamt bruder! Don't do that!" he scolded, pushing himself to his feet.

"Aw, don't be mean Luddy! After all who else is awesome enough to get you back into that room?" Ludwig frowned letting the annoying nickname slide for a moment.

"…you can get me in there?" he scoffed.

Gilbert chuckled, pulling a pin from his pocket. "Ja, it's easy!" he pushed his brother aside and jiggled the pin within the lock, smirking when a quiet click was heard.

"Bruder… did you just… pick the lock?" Ludwig asked in disbelief.

"Hell ja I did! Awesome huh? Kesesese!" gilbert laughed proudly.

"I should be telling you off… but danke." Ludwig murmured sheepishly.

Gilbert shrugged, "anything for my little bro! Admit it, I'm awesome!"

"Ja bruder… you're awesome. Now if you'll excuse me…" Ludwig motioned for his brother to get out the way.

"No problem, West! I've got a Canadian to find anyway. Have fun and use protection!" he ran off leaving Ludwig blushing in the passage.

With a sigh that was both weary and cautious, Ludwig opened the door, trying to get the blush off his face. It disappeared rapidly when he saw the Italian sitting on his bed.

"…Feliciano?" he murmured softly, face pale as he took in the quiet Italian. He was no longer crying but his face was still red and damp from tears. He jumped when he saw Ludwig, hiding his arm in a panic.

"Ve? Lu-ludwig? How'd you…" he asked nervously. His gaze darted between the German and back to the craft knife sitting on his desk, blade still tinged with red.

"Gilbert picked the lock …Are you okay?" He asked quietly, noticing the Italian's gaze and frowning. The German moved to sit on the end of the bed, slowly reaching for Feliciano's arm. The brunette flinched but allowed him to take it, looking away guiltily.

"Mi dispiace…" he mumbled softly, tears pricking his eyes again. He heard Ludwig sigh, letting him take his arm back.

"No, I'm sorry… I… shouldn't have kissed you…" Ludwig admitted. He wished the Italian would look at him.

"No, it's my fault… ve… I shouldn't be so weak…" Feliciano said quietly. Ludwig smiled sadly even though the Italian didn't see it.

"You're not weak Feliciano. Whatever happened to you… it wasn't your fault. If you want to talk about it…" Ludwig offered awkwardly. Feliciano looked up, shaking his head vehemently.

"Ve… not yet. I- I can't…" The German sighed but nodded.

"I understand… but whenever you're ready to…" He paused, looking back at the Italian's arm. "I'll get some bandages for that." He explained, gesturing to the limb before standing. "I'll be back now." He promised.

Feliciano just nodded, turning away from the German. He heard the soft pad of footfalls growing quieter and the click of the door and was alone. With a sigh he looked up and grabbed his craft knife, turning it over in his hands before grabbing a tissue and wiping the blade free of blood.

He did it all in a daze, feeling useless about the fact that he'd been caught cutting. It had been bad enough that Ludwig had seen his scars let alone to find him at his moment of weakness.

Because that was what he was. Weak. No matter what Ludwig told him.

He jumped when the door opened again, letting out a startled ve and pulling his arms around himself again. He winced slightly at the pressure on the cut.

"It's just me Feli." Ludwig soothed, sitting back down on the bed with a first aid kit. He gently touched Feliciano's arm, waiting for the Italian to relax slightly before pulling it towards him and revealing the still weeping cuts.

"…I'm sorry…" Feliciano mumbled again. Flinching slightly as Ludwig put some antiseptic on a piece of cotton wool.

"Don't be… this might sting a bit…" Ludwig said softly before pressing the cotton wool against the three cuts, wiping it along the red lines.

Feliciano yelped, trying to tug his arm away instinctively. Ludwig held it firmly though, whispering apologies in a mixture of German and English. Once the Italian's arm was free of blood apart from the fresh beads forming along the lips of the wounds he put the ball of cotton aside, still not releasing the limb.

"V-ve… please! It hurts…" Feliciano whimpered, eyes clenched shut. He was starting to tremble slightly.

"I'm sorry, I'm almost done. Promise." Ludwig murmured, pressing some gauze to the cuts before covering them in a bandage. The stark white stood out against the Italian's tanned flesh.

Feliciano tugged his arm back in a panic when it was released, holding it close to him. He was breathing quickly as he watched Ludwig clean up the first aid kit and move away from his bed.

"I'm just going to go put this back…" Ludwig explained. "I understand if you want to be alone for a bit." He offered.

Feliciano nodded, trying to calm his breathing. "Grazi… ve… I'll just go for a walk… I'll be back later." He said quietly, pushing past the German. He needed to think.

Ludwig just sighed and watched the Italian walk away. "You deserve better…" he murmured softly, sure that the brunette wouldn't hear him as he turned away to take the kit back. He didn't see Feliciano's pace falter, or him turning to look at him with wide but sad eyes.

Feliciano shook his head, turning away and continuing to walk.

He only deserved what he got. Someone as weak as him deserved a lot worse than what he was getting.

"I deserve it… ve… it was my fault…" he mumbled, running his hands over the bandage on his arm through his shirt. He chose to ignore the voice at the back of his mind, the one sounding a lot like Ludwig, which told him that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't his fault.

.o.)O(.o.

_We made plans to grow old_

_Believe me there was truth in all the stories that I told_

_Lost in a simple game_

_Cat and mouse _

_For me to say_

_People's lives before us came to light_

_Am I supposed to be happy?_

_When all I ever wanted_

_Comes with a price_

_Am I supposed to be happy?_

_When all I ever wanted_

_It comes with a price_

_You said_

_You said you would die for me_

_But you must live for me too_

_Cat and mouse- red jumpsuit apparatus_


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: MEIN GOTT PEOPLE! 'Tainted' has now become my most popular story! Over TWO HUNDRED reviews? TWO HUNDRED? 'Behind blue eyes' received only one hundred and eighty seven reviews for the entire twenty chapters! *passes out* I love you guys!**

**You better watch out Italy, I think I'm beginning to catch up to 'mein schutzengel il mio protettore since it's at 283! I think it's your move now :) shut up, you know I'm naturally competitive… though you still have me beat on translations and possibly total reviews… congrats again on having someone want to translate 'missed me' into Russian!**

**Hetalia isn't mine!**

_He drowns in his dreams  
>An exquisite extreme I know<br>He's as damned as he seems  
>And more heaven than a heart could hold<br>And if I try to save him  
>My whole world could cave in<br>It just ain't right  
>It just ain't right<em>

_Oh and I don't know  
>I don't know what he's after<br>But he's so beautiful  
>Such a beautiful disaster<br>And if I could hold on  
>Through the tears and the laughter<br>Would it be beautiful?  
>Or just a beautiful disaster<br>_

_Beautiful disaster- Kelly Clarkson_

.o.)O(.o.

Gilbert knocked on the door enthusiastically, hoping the Canadian would answer quickly so he could get started on the promised date. He would have been there earlier but unfortunately the detention he'd received along with Alfred had held him back. He never wanted to have to write lines ever again… and it had been such a stupid line too! "I will not play with me food" what did they think he was, four? So unawesome…

The self-proclaimed Prussian frowned when there was still no reply, knocking again just slightly louder. "Hey? Birdie? Matt? Are you in there?" He asked, growing slightly worried.

The reply was muffled. "Go away… I don't want to deal with you now!" Gilbert hadn't heard the Canadian's voice like that before.

His frown deepened. "Matthew? Are you alright?" he asked, all playfulness leaving his voice as he grew almost as serious as his brother. He tested the door and cursing when he found it locked.

"Yes! Now go away!" Matthew's voice choked half way through, alerting the albino to the fact that the Canadian was anything but fine. He took the pin he'd used to open Ludwig's door, jiggling it in the lock to unlock the door.

He was so glad he'd pestered Lovino until he'd taught him how to do that. It was worth the swearing he'd received in the process, having kept up his demands until the early hours of the morning. It was turning into a useful skill.

"Damn it! I t-told you to go away!" Matthew sobbed when the door opened and Gilbert let himself in. The Prussian frowned, eyes going to a steadily forming bruise on the Canadian's face and his messy hair. His face was streaked with tears.

"Who did this to you?" Gilbert asked quietly, touching the discolouration gently. Matthew flinched, giving a soft whimper as he looked away. The albino kept his touch light and gentle, his expression was serious.

"No-one… I fell." He mumbled, shivering at the memory of how he tried to fight back. He didn't want to remember what had happened, he just wanted to forget it ever happened.

Gilbert's eyes flashed angrily. "It was Carlos wasn't it?" he growled. He'd seen the older Cuban bothering the boy earlier but hadn't been able to intervene.

Matthew looked up startled, shaking his head. "N-no, it wasn't him!" he countered. "I just fell!" he didn't want Carlos to get hurt because of something he didn't do… Besides, he'd only been bothering him earlier because he'd mistaken the Canadian for his half-brother. He'd been apologetic once he realized he had the wrong sibling.

Gilbert frowned, mistaking the emotions in the other's eyes as a confirmation. "…I'm going to kill him." He threatened, eyes going hard so that they resembled rubies.

Matthew flinched at the other's anger, making a note to warn Carlos before the furious albino could get to him. "Um… why are y-you here?" he offered as a distraction. It worked and some of the anger faded.

"Hmm? Oh ja! I was going to take you on that date I promised you!" he smiled, the smile shrinking a bit as he looked at the bruise. "…but we don't have to if you don't want to…" he offered.

Matthew shook his head, a distraction was just what he needed though he felt bad about using the Prussian like that but he really needed it. "No, that sounds good. But can we stay on the property?" he asked, still slightly nervous. He wanted to stay in a place he knew.

"Ja, we can go on a picnic!" Gilbert grinned happily, oblivious to the other's tension. "You wait here and I'll get the food!" He darted out the room quickly, leaving Matthew sitting on the bed.

The Canadian moved hesitantly once the Prussian was gone, still in shock over what had happened but slowly calming, even if it was only because he was burying the memory of what had happened. He was doing his best to push it as far out of his mind as possible to keep himself sane. He grabbed a bulky hoodie from his cupboard, slipping it on and hiding amongst it. It was a little warm but not overly so.

"I'm back, Birdie!" Gilbert exclaimed, bursting back into the room and making Matthew jump. He held a selection of food, mainly desserts by the looks of it, in his arms along with a blanket. "Come on! Let's go!" he was smiling brightly as he juggled everything and still somehow managed to grab the Canadian's hand.

Matthew let out a small squeak as he was quite literally dragged along behind the excited Prussian, barely keeping his feet. "e-eh? Gilbert! Slow down!" he protested.

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano was walking along, lost in his thoughts, when he heard the Prussian and Canadian. He'd wandered outside to clear his head and while Matthew might have been quiet Gilbert was anything but.

He watched from a distance as Gilbert laughed loudly, attempting to feed Matthew off his fork. The blonde seemed tentative but accepted it with a nervous smile. The Italian couldn't help but notice how happy they looked, neither of them had the same cloud over them as he did.

He was too far away to see the way Matthew's eyes would occasionally dart away from Gilbert's, glancing towards the school nervously. It was the only sign of his anxiety, the rest being hidden and even erased by the Prussian. The albino had treated him so kindly before that the Canadian felt safe with him.

Feliciano sighed, leaving the pair to their own devices as he carried on walking. He wanted what they had as well. Someone to allow close to him, to protect and love him… but if Ludwig ever found out about what happened to him he'd leave.

How could he accept the German's (admittedly awkward) advances when he knew that he'd just chase him off if Ludwig ever found out the truth? Or when it happened again?

Feliciano tentatively touched the bandage on his arm, feeling the lingering memory of the other's fingers on his skin. He was scared… but he wanted that affection more than anything…

He was so confused, about his emotions, his memories, everything. He might not be able to tell the German… but that didn't mean that he had to push him away.

Maybe he could accept his advances.

.o.)O(.o.

Ludwig looked up as the door opened; it had barely been half an hour and he'd expected the Italian to be gone for much longer after what had happened. Feliciano appeared nervous as he came into the room, almost timid or scared.

"…Feliciano? Are you okay?" he asked slowly, watching the brunette's reaction.

Feliciano nodded, sitting close to the German but not looking at him. "Ve… I don't know if I deserve this… or if I can be the person you want… but… I want to try… ve… Can I?" He murmured anxiously. He finally glanced at Ludwig, not sure of what to make of the tenderness in his blue eyes.

The blonde touched his arm gently, nodding. "Of course Feli…" he replied, not sure what else to say.

Feliciano hesitantly pressed his lips against Ludwig's for a moment, pulling away with a scared look in his eyes after a moment. "Ve… sorry…" he mumbled.

The German smiled kindly at him. "I won't push you Feli, if you want to take it slow that's fine." He offered.

"Are we… Dating now?" Feliciano asked nervously.

Ludwig nodded. "If you want us to be."

"Ve? …si, I do."

The German smiled, kissing his forehead. "I love you liebling." The Italian flinched slightly but returned the smile timidly.

"Si, ti amo."

.o.)O(.o.

_He's magic and myth  
>As strong as what I believe<br>A tragedy with  
>More damage than a soul should see<br>And do I try to change him?  
>So hard not to blame him<br>Hold on tight  
>Hold on tight<em>

_Oh and I don't know  
>I don't know what he's after<br>But he's so beautiful  
>Such a beautiful disaster<br>And if I could hold on  
>Through the tears and the laughter<br>Would it be beautiful?  
>Or just a beautiful disaster<br>_

_I'm longing for love and the logical  
>But he's only happy hysterical<br>I'm waiting for some kind of miracle  
>Waited so long<br>So long_

_He's soft to the touch  
>But frayed at the end he breaks<br>He's never enough  
>And still he's more than I can take<em>

_Beautiful disaster- Kelly Clarkson_

**A/N: yay! Sweet chapter so no-one will kill me yet :) next chapter though… well, let's not go there… I like my limbs where they are…*runs and hides* On the plus side, next chapter goes over 2000 words!**

**Review replies!**

**LoveFromDenmark: glad you're enjoying the story :) PruCan's one of my favourite pairings so I love describing like this, I just see Prussia as a sort of class clown and general troublemaker :) thanks for the heads up, I know next to nothing (okay scratch that… just nothing) about soccer so I just knew that it was big in the UK since my great grandfather is a big soccer fan. Thanks for mentioning that though :) like I said, I know nothing about sports (unless it's horse racing…) thanks for the review!**

**Nobodyxii: hehe, will do! Thanks for the review!**

**Yah: sorry, no promises on that… *scratches back of head awkwardly* I love angst so much that it probably will get worse… SORRY! But Lars will get what's coming to him though :) thanks for the review and I hope you enjoyed the update!**

**Haven't said this for a while but reviewers, alerters, favouriters and readers all get pancakes!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: *hides* please don't kill me for this? And the next chapter? …and the one after that…? I'M SORRY! *hides behind her Italy since she's less likely to kill her and is tall***

**Hetalia isn't mine…**

_Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you_

_When you think everything's okay and everything's going right_

_And life has a funny way of helping you out when_

_You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up_

_In your face_

_A traffic jam when you're already late_

_A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break_

_It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife_

_It's meeting the man of my dreams_

_And then meeting his beautiful wife_

_And isn't it ironic...don't you think_

_A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think..._

_Ironic- Alanis Morissette_

.o.)O(.o.

Ludwig had a small smile on his face as he headed to the dining hall with Feliciano's hand in his. The German had been hesitant at first but now held the Italian's hand quite happily, the tiny, if a little nervous, grin on the brunette's face made all of his discomfort worth it.

Of course a lot of people turned to look at Feliciano as the pair entered the room, several coming up to check on him. He'd freaked a lot of people out when he fainted.

The atmosphere soon settled however, even if it was only for a few moments.

"Damn it frog! Just 'cause I chose you for the damn bet doesn't mean you can bloody kiss me!" Arthur shouted as he came into the room, Francis following behind him. There was a reddening mark on the Frenchman's cheek.

"How was I supposed to know that? And I just kissed your cheek!" He protested before huffing and going to sit by Antonio and a surprisingly happy Lovino. Gilbert was still missing as was Matthew.

Arthur blushed as he went and sat beside a smiling Alfred. The American immediately tried to hug the Brit only to be shoved away with a pout. "Can it git! I haven't forgiven you yet!"

Ludwig chuckled at the scene, grabbing some food and sitting down with Feliciano. He hated to admit it but he was becoming rather used to the way things worked. He smiled slightly at the Italian who was wolfing down spaghetti like a starving puppy before settling into a casual conversation.

Of course the peace could only last so long and half way through the meal Gilbert showed up, hand in hand with a nervous looking Matthew. The blonde glanced anxiously towards where the teachers sat and stiffened slightly.

Gilbert frowned slightly before looking in the same direction, his eyes hardened as he saw Carlos walking past the teachers. "I'm going to kill him…" he muttered murderously, making Matthew's eyes go wide as he also saw the Cuban.

"No, I told you it wasn't him!" he protested, "I-" he was cut off as Alfred caught sight of him and the bruise. The American immediately stood, glaring at Gilbert.

"What the hell did you do to him?" He yelled, grabbing the entire room's attention. The self-proclaimed Prussian returned the glare frowning.

"Me? Ask him!" he growled pointing to Carlos who paused and raised an eyebrow, otherwise appearing unconcerned.

"What the hell did I do?" he asked.

"You punched Birdie!"

"…No, I didn't…"

"Stop lying Beilschmidt!" Alfred snarled angrily, shoving the albino.

"Hey, hands off! He's the one that's lying!" Gilbert shouted, shoving right back as he glared at Carlos. The Cuban frowned, heading over to the fighting pair.

"Excuse me?" He growled.

What followed next had students and teachers alike jumping out the way as a full on fight broke out between the three. Ludwig cursed, leaping to his feet to pull his brother out of the fray before the Cuban and American bashed his head in. After all, Alfred wanted to protect his brother and Carlos wanted to get payback for being called a liar. It had to be one of the few times the pair actually worked together.

Arthur also stood, grabbing Alfred's shoulder and holding him back when he tried to jump Gilbert again despite the raging albino being held back by his stronger sibling. Another student also leapt in to hold back Carlos as the teachers tried to control the situation.

"What's going on?" Lars asked once the situation was back in a semblance of control. Matthew stiffened, moving away from the teacher hesitantly and not noticing Feliciano do the same.

"He hit Matthew!" Gilbert shouted at the same time as Alfred. Carlos glared at the albino.

"He's lying! I didn't touch him!" The Cuban growled murderously.

The trio immediately started swearing, trying to break free of the people holding them.

"Enough!" Ludwig shouted, glaring at the three. Something about his voice made them all stop, looking away sheepishly. With the way Gilbert stilled one would have thought that he was the younger sibling.

"Thank you Mr Beilschmidt, you three however..." Vash glared, making the three previously fighting students cringe. For someone so short he managed to look more intimidating than even Ludwig. "Detention with me, tomorrow after school." He barked.

Everything slowly started to settle again as the crowd dispersed. Alfred gave a last glare before allowing Arthur to pull him away. "Bruder… May I have a word?" Ludwig hissed, pulling his brother into a corner.

Gilbert struggled to meet his brother's gaze. He'd lived with his brother long enough to know when the blonde German was angry and right now he was furious. "West… I can explain…"he mumbled sheepishly, wiping a trickle of blood off of his cheek.

"I thought I told you to leave Matthew alone?" Ludwig growled, interrupting him. "Now I find out you've gone so far as to hurt him and lie about it?"

Gilbert's eyes flashed, meeting the younger's gaze angrily. "I didn't do that! I would never hurt someone I loved!" He spat. Ludwig paused, blue eyes showing doubt.

"You… didn't hit him?" he asked slowly. Gilbert shook his head, glaring angrily as Ludwig sighed. He could always tell when Gilbert was lying and immediately felt guilty.

"Nein bruder. I thought you actually knew me well enough to know that!"

"I'm sorry Gil… I just assumed…" he sighed again. "I just doubt it was Carlos. I saw him outside smoking when Feliciano and I got back." He explained. "Sorry bruder…"

Gilbert frowned at the information, previous anger fading as quickly as it arrived. "Wait… You did?" he asked. If Ludwig had seen the Cuban when he'd gotten back it was unlikely he'd been the one to hit Matthew. The timing would have been off considering that when Carlos went off to smoke he could be gone for anywhere over an hour doing god knows what… "You're not saying this just to placate me, are you?" he asked suspiciously.

Ludwig shook his head. "Nein bruder, I promise."

The albino sighed, "Fine, I believe you… but you're on probation as my favourite brother for not believing me!"

"Gil… I'm your ONLY brother."

"Exactly! That makes it an even worse threat!"

.o.)O(.o.

After the rather exciting dinner period the evening began to wind down dramatically. Alfred and Arthur made up without further arguments and for the most part Alfred, Gilbert and Carlos ignored each other, though Alfred did glare at the albino when he sat next to Matthew. It was obvious that he still blamed Gilbert.

After an hour or so of eating and/or socialising (several people just had a light snack because of the dating bet) everyone headed back to their rooms. Feliciano was a lot calmer than he'd been earlier, thoughts of his earlier cutting forgotten. He even had the bravery to chastely kiss Ludwig's cheek with a nervous blush before getting changed and slipping into bed.

He woke shivering a few hours later though, the vestiges of his nightmare still in his mind's eye as he panted. He was glad that he hadn't disturbed Ludwig this time, tentatively glancing at the sound asleep German.

He tried to close his eyes and go back to sleep but was unable to do so, the images behind his eyelids were just too haunting. He opened his eyes, giving another cautious look at Ludwig before slipping out of his bed and tip toeing across the room to his bed.

He paused, gazing at the blonde's peaceful face before slipping under the covers and cuddling up to him. For a moment it looked like the German would wake as he stirred slightly, arms wrapping around Feliciano unconsciously and making the Italian stiffen before relaxing.

It took him a while but eventually Feliciano was as fast asleep as Ludwig was, face calm as he slipped into a dreamless sleep.

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano shivered as he held onto Ludwig tighter as they headed to maths. Ludwig frowned but didn't comment, attributing it to the Italian being embarrassed about what had happened the previous day.

The pair moved to sit down at the back, Feliciano refusing to meet Lars's eyes as he glanced around the classroom. Matthew and Gilbert were both missing but the teacher didn't comment on it, just making a note in his book of the absence.

Feliciano was frowning by the end of the lesson; his teacher had barely paid any attention to him in the entire period. He still kept slightly closer to Ludwig than necessary though, not wanting to let his guard down.

He breathed a sigh of relief as the bell rang, gathering his books and notes whilst Germany stood and waited for him. "Feliciano? May I have a quick word with you in private?" Lars asked, making the Italian drop one of his books.

Ludwig frowned, glancing between the two before sighing. Feliciano looked anxious but the German couldn't go against a teacher's order. "I'll wait for you outside Feliciano…" He murmured, glancing back at the Italian before leaving the room.

Feliciano waited nervously for Lars to start speaking, remaining completely frozen.

"It's been a long time hasn't it Feli?" the teacher chuckled.

"V-ve… you don't scare me anymore…" the Italian tried to bluff, his voice shaking slightly. "I-if you try anything… ve… I'll tell!" he squeaked.

Lars raised an eyebrow, "Oh? You'll tell and let that German you've been cozying up to know you're a whore?"

Feliciano crumpled slightly, trying to stifle his shivers. "Ve…I'll t-tell a teacher… or the police..." he tried.

The Dutchman just shook his head. "Looks like I'll need something more to keep you quiet this time… Your boyfriend's Gilbert Beilschmidt's brother right? I doubt it would be too hard to convince the principal that he's been misbehaving considering his brother's behaviour, he could get expelled... And if that doesn't work… well, he could always have an 'accident'…" he smirked when Feliciano's eyes widened, pain flashing across his face at the idea.

"V-ve, no… I-I won't tell… promise! Just d-don't hurt him!" the Italian begged.

Lars smiled, "I'll leave him alone as long as you come here after school. Deal?"

Feliciano nodded, looking panicked.

"Good, I'll see you then." Lars grinned, watching as the Italian grabbed his things and skirted him in an effort to get to the door. He paused at Lars's next words, almost at the closed door. "And remember. Tell anyone… anyone at all… and that German of yours will find himself in a potentially fatal situation."

Ludwig frowned as Feliciano left the classroom, wiping his eyes to get rid of a few stray tears. He hadn't heard anything that had gone on in the classroom, all the sounds muffled. "Feliciano? Are you okay?" he reached out for his hand comfortingly.

The Italian gave a startled squeak at the touch. "V-ve? Haha, no I'm fine! I just got told I-I'd need extra lessons since m-my marks are so bad!" he laughed nervously, tugging on the hand in his. "Ve, c'mon we've got English now! Let's go!"

Ludwig raised an eyebrow but didn't comment, allowing him to drag him along to the next subject. He murmured a quick apology to the teacher as he went and sat down with the Italian, a small frown still on his face.

.o.)O(.o.

Matthew had hated to do it but he couldn't stand the idea of going into Maths and being around that teacher again. It had taken all of his guts to do so but he'd eventually asked Gilbert to skip with him, suspecting that the albino wouldn't have a problem with it. He'd been right on that account.

The pair were currently sitting on the roof, enjoying the late summer sunlight filtering through the clouds.

"Hey Birdie?" Gilbert asked as they ignored the shrill ringing of the bell. If they were going to bunk one subject they might as well enjoy the rest of the day as well in his opinion.

"Hmmm?" Matthew hummed softly, eyes closed as he lay in the sun.

"Who really gave you that bruise?" the albino asked cautiously. "Ludwig said Carlos was smoking when you must have gotten it…"

The Canadian froze, no longer feeling the warmth from the sun as he kept his eyes closed. "…like I said, I fell eh…" his voice was slightly strained as Gilbert sat up, resting on his arms to look at the blonde.

"Mattie… we both know you're lying. Please tell me?" he begged. "I promise I won't beat them up if you don't want me to! You can trust me!"

"…You'll hate me if I tell you…" Matthew eventually mumbled, still refusing to open his eyes.

Gilbert sighed, touching the Canadian's face gently to tilt it towards him. "Matthew, look at me. Nothing you say can make me hate you..."

Matthew sighed, cracking his eyes open so that blue-violet met red. "Promise you won't tell anyone?"

Gilbert nodded seriously, his usual carefree and joking nature gone. "Promise."

"…It was Mr van Dyk…"

.o.)O(.o.

_It's like rain on your wedding day_

_It's a free ride when you've already paid_

_It's the good advice that you just didn't take_

_Who would've thought... it figures_

_Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you_

_Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out_

_Helping you out_

_Ironic- Alanis Morissette_

**A/N2: please don't kill me? Pretty please? It was an extra-long chapter?**

**Review replies!**

**C: Glad you're enjoying it! Ja the more reviews I get the more inspired I get so I'm just pumping these things out like crazy! As for the whole not hurting Canada and Italy again thing… hehe… sorry? Thanks for the review!**

**A Random Fan: don't worry, I often have those special moments. My Dad and Girlfriend more so… Ja I felt guilty as fuck writing this… but apparently the only soul I have is in my surname *shot for bad pun* Shame though, I think Lars is gonna be tag teamed by all my reviewers… then again, he deserves it! I'm glad you're enjoying this fic! Thanks for the review!**

**YAH: …it's not intentional, promise! Sorry! …I'm such a mean person… don't worry, Lars will get what he deserves. Eventually. Sure thing! *hands over Feli* "v-ve?" Hope you enjoyed the update! I'm glad you're enjoying it :)**

**Chair: I'll take that as a compliment :) thanks for the review! Hope you liked the update!**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: the next in the series of bad chapters… and just a heads up. I'll be starting a working holiday in the outback as a jillaroo in two weeks. A lot earlier than planned… that means that I have a week and a half to finish this story and I've got around four or so chapters left if I decide to do a sequel rather. So please just bear with me if I can't finish in time? I'll do my best and if I can't I will make sure I update as quickly as possible even if it means waiting a month or so since I will be gone between three and six months.**

**But I'll do my best though!**

**Edit: okay… I'm starting the work much earlier, on Monday in fact so I won't be able to finish this in time, I'll post all that I have for it and update it again when I get the chance. I know I haven't replied to all your reviews and I'll try to do so but I can't make any promises…. I do promise to finish this though, I might just have to put it on hiatus for a few months… I'm sorry!**

**Oh and happy birthday for Friday for PepsiFyzzlesKola!**

**Hetalia isn't mine.**

_She walks to school with the lunch she packed_

_Nobody knows what she's holding back_

_Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday_

_She hides the bruises with her linen and lace_

_The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask_

_It's hard to see the pain behind the mask_

_Bearing the burden of a secret stored_

_Sometimes she wishes she was never born_

_Concrete Angel- Martina McBride_

.o.)O(.o.

Gilbert's eyes were wide as he sat frozen and listened to what Matthew told him. Shock was openly displayed in his red eyes and slowly turned to anger. The Canadian kept his eyes down cast, not wanting to see the albino's reaction, he was sure that he'd be disgusted with him.

The pair remained silent for a moment, the tension tangible in the air. Matthew eventually couldn't take it anymore. "I-I'm sorry… I… I" He mumbled refusing to look up. He flinched as he was pulled into a hug, blinking in shock.

"Verdamt Birdie… It's not your fault… I promise…" Gilbert murmured into his hair, holding him tight. "Don't you dare blame yourself for this."

"b-but if I'd fought back more-"

"He would have hurt you even more. Mattie, this wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong…" Gilbert interrupted. The Prussian pulled away, gently touching his face as he looked into his eyes. "I promise."

Matthew looked at him with wide eyes, tears forming at the corners. Gilbert sighed sadly, kissing his forehead tentatively. "He won't hurt you again… I won't let him." He growled, eyes flashing dangerously.

The Canadian shook his head. "Please… I don't w-want anyone to know…" he begged.

"Mattie, you can't let this go…" Gilbert murmured.

"I-I'm barely remembered as is… I don't want to be known as 't-the one who got…'" he shook his head again, "please, I don't want any trouble… He said he would get me in trouble if I told and he might hurt you…" he mumbled pleadingly. "Please Gil… don't do anything?"

Gilbert sighed, eyes still angry. "I'll consider it birdie… I still think you need to tell someone but fine… if that arschloch does even one thing though, even if it's just look at you funny, I'll kill him."

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano wasn't sure how he did it but he managed to get through the entire day without having a nervous breakdown. Even when he separated from Ludwig for Art (the German had taken chemistry instead and it was one of the few classes they didn't share) he kept calm. Ludwig did keep shooting him anxious glances though, not pushing it after he first asked and wasn't given a reply.

He didn't want to make the Italian push him away when he was only just beginning to open up to him. He just smiled, giving his hand a comforting squeeze when it felt like Feliciano needed it. All he could do was hope that the small brunette would tell him what was bothering him when he was ready to.

The end of the day came too quickly for Feliciano's liking, making him give a resigned sigh. "V-ve… I'll see you later Ludwig…" He murmured.

The German frowned, kissing his cheek. His frown deepened as the Italian pulled away. "I'm sure it won't be that bad…" Feliciano wanted to laugh at that statement, held back only by his own anxiety. He just looked away, flinching when Ludwig touched his cheek. "You know you can tell me anything right Feli?" he asked softly.

Feliciano nodded, forcing a smile on his face. "Ve… S-si, I do…" He mumbled. "I'll see you later…"

He had to fight not to shake as he headed towards Lars's classroom, reminding himself with each step why he was doing this.

'I'm doing this to protect Ludwig… It'll keep him safe…'

He paused in front of the door; hand on the handle, before he sighed. He tried to look brave but suspected it failed as he opened the door to his personal nightmare.

"Ah Feli, I was beginning to think you wouldn't show… do me a favour and lock the door?" Feliciano shivered as he heard the words, doing as ordered. Tears pricked his eyes as the lock clicked and he turned to face his teacher with downcast eyes.

'I'm sorry Ludwig… please forgive me…'

.o.)O(.o.

Without Feliciano there Ludwig managed to finish his homework in record time. Despite this though, he missed the little Italian's chatter. He sighed, putting his books aside as he decided to go for walk to see what everyone else was up to. He hoped that Feliciano would be back by the time he returned.

He wasn't sure how long he was gone, just wandering aimlessly until he eventually ran into a grumbling Gilbert. He frowned, heading over to him since at least it was better than his mindless walking.

The Prussian looked up when Ludwig approached, cracking a grin to cover his own concerned frown. "Hey West! Where's your Italian boy toy?" he teased.

"He had extra maths and he's not my boy toy!" Ludwig growled. "Where've you been anyway?" The Prussian was covered in dirt and had a slight sun burn on the back of his neck.

He shrugged, "detention, Zwingli made us weed the flower beds… not awesome…" He then paused, a frown starting to form. "Did you say… That Feliciano had extra maths? With van Dyk?" he asked slowly.

Ludwig frowned, nodding. "Ja, why?"

"Fich… How long has he been gone?" Gilbert growled; eyes wide.

"I don't know, an hour and a half maybe? Bruder, what's wrong?"

"Verdamt bruder, just find him! That arschloch, he- just hope I'm wrong!" Ludwig wanted to question his brother more but something about the urgency in his tone brought him up short. With a nod the two raced to the maths classroom.

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano gave a small whimper as he finally collapsed in his and Ludwig's room; he'd had to limp the entire way feeling his entire body protest as sharp pain raced up his spine. His hair was messed up and dried tears streaked his face.

This time had been far worse than the others; since he couldn't fight back without risking Ludwig Lars had been a lot rougher. He could feel his skin already blossoming in bruises where they'd be easily hidden by clothing, the back of his pants stained with blood. He guessed he should count himself lucky that the teacher had used protection that time so he didn't have to relive the horrid feeling of warm semen running down his thighs but he suspected that Lars had an ulterior motive for that.

He shivered, clutching himself tightly. He didn't want to go back there… he couldn't go through that again… and he couldn't tell without getting Ludwig hurt. He was feeling trapped, he'd been scared before, haunted even but never trapped.

He gave a choked sob, reaching blindly for the craft knife still innocently sitting on the desk.

He didn't want to be hurt like that again; he couldn't be hurt like that again. He felt hopeless as he flicked the sharp blade open, pressing the cool metal to his wrist with a sob.

He was scared of death. It was why he'd never tried to kill himself before. No matter how bad the nightmares were, life was always better than death…

He shivered, giving a small whimper as he dug the sharp edge deep into his wrist. Blood immediately welled up, rolling down his arm as he repeated the process on his other arm.

Even death had to be better than this…

.o.)O(.o.

Gilbert uttered a loud curse as they found the room empty, the strong scent of air freshener assaulting their senses. The Prussian's eyes grew anxious as he caught the smell the fresh lemony scent was meant to cover. If he hadn't been actively searching for it he would have missed it. The stale musky scent of sex.

"Fich!" he swore, turning to Ludwig who was staring at his panicked expression with wide eyes. "Your room. Now! We need to find him! Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

Ludwig immediately bolted for his room, not sure why his brother was so insistent but started to feel nervous. He was slightly out of breath from his sprint as he reached his room, hesitantly opening the door.

He was instantly across the room and at the Italian's side. "Gott! Feliciano!"

The brunette lay limply against the bed, skin pale and eyes half closed. His arms were streaked with blood that was already staining the carpet as he half-stirred at the presence beside him. His head turned weakly towards the German, dull eyes blinking blearily.

"…L-Ludwig…? …I'm s-sorry… t-ti amo…" he breathed as his eyes closed completely; head slumping as he passed out.

.o.)O(.o.

_Somebody cries in the middle of the night_

_The neighbours hear but they turn out the light_

_A fragile soul caught by the hands of fate_

_When morning comes it'll be too late…_

_Through the wind and the rain_

_She stands hard as a stone_

_In a world that she can't rise above_

_But her dreams give her wings_

_And she flies to a place where she's loved_

_Concrete angel_

_Concrete Angel- Martina McBride_

**A/N2: quickly do the review replies and then run…**

**FYI: already done so :)**

**(): sorry for making you cry… it makes me feel guilty too… thanks for the review!**

**(): yep, love prucan! Thanks for the review!**

**(): ja… 'fraid so… I suspect these are all the same person but just in case, thanks for the review!**

**PepsiFyzzlesKola: happy birthday for friday! I don't know what time zone you're in so for all I know it could be a different day for you if you're American… oh well, consider this an early birthday present :D Hope you enjoyed the update and I'm just going to guess that the previous reviews were also yours! So thanks for all five of them I'm glad you're enjoying this :) **

**Impatient Fanfic stalker: yep that was the name you used :) I remember all my reviewers :) hope you enjoyed the update and don't worry, they will :) thanks for the review! I'll keep updating as quickly as possible!**


	17. Chapter 17

_I've been thinking of everything _

_I used to want to be_

_I've been thinking of everything_

_Of me and you and me_

_This is the story of my life_

_These are the lies I have created_

_This is the story of my life_

_These are the lies I have created…_

_The story- 30 seconds to mars_

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano was pale and still as he lay in the hospital bed, the constant beeps of the machines he was attached to reassuring Ludwig and Lovino as they sat at his side with as much distance between them as possible. He'd been unconscious for several hours now and the steady beeping the only sound.

"Is what, what's-his-name Matthew, said true?" Lovino eventually asked, not glancing away from his brother. He didn't even bother insulting the German, eyes glued to the pristine white bandages standing out on Feliciano's wrists and the intricate layers of scars. All of them were exposed courtesy of the flimsy hospital gown the Italian wore.

Ludwig sighed, remembering the moment where Matthew had admitted what had happened to him to Elizaveta. He considered the Canadian's ashamed tears, Alfred's shock and his own brother's anger before sighing. "Ja, I think so… Besides, the doctors did say…"

He didn't need to finish his sentence; both boys remembered the doctor's explanation of the small Italian's injuries, the mention of bruising and anal tearing. Ludwig wished that he could have realized earlier as did Lovino.

"…Cazzo… we had him as a fucking teacher when we were SEVEN! Why didn't I ever fucking realize that something was fucking wrong? I'm such a bad brother…" Lovino cursed.

"…it's not your fault Lovino. No-one expected this." Ludwig sighed. "At least the cops will give him what he deserves…" his eyes grew angry as he mentioned the man responsible.

"Si, I hope the bastard rots for this…" Lovino growled.

They both jumped as Ludwig's phone vibrated, the German immediately answering. Gilbert had promised to keep them informed about what was happening back at the school.

"Ja?" the German's answer was brisk, his frustration evident in his tone.

Gilbert sighed on the other line, "Bad news bru, the fucker pulled a runner." He growled.

Ludwig sat bolt upright. "Was?" he asked hoarsely, ignoring Lovino as he turned to him.

"What the hell is he saying?" The Italian growled, struggling not to shout.

"Ja, he ran off… look the cops are questioning everyone, I'll call back when I know more okay? They'll probably question you as well. Oh gotta go! They just let Mattie out." The dial tone sounded before Ludwig could question him.

"Fich! He's gone…" Ludwig growled, eyes dark with rage.

"Van Dyk?"

The German nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

"I'm going to kill him… How the hell did he get away?"

.o.)O(.o.

Lars knocked on the door anxiously, constantly glancing behind him to scan the street. He breathed a sigh of relief as the door opened. "Femke? God, can I come in? I-I fucked up…"

The blonde woman's eyes widened as she stood aside to let her brother in. "What happened?" She asked as Lars collapsed on the couch.

The Dutchman gave a weak laugh. "Like I said, I fucked up. Big time." He shook his head when his sister opened her mouth to question him further. "Please, I don't want you to think any less of me…"

Femke nodded, sitting down beside him. "Okay… what do you need?" she asked slowly. She assumed it had something to do with drugs; he'd had a few run in's with dealers and cops alike when he was younger though thankfully nothing had stuck.

"I just need a place to lie low for a bit… until everything calms down." He murmured. He knew it probably would take a while but at least he could come up with a plan without worrying about the cops breaking his door down.

"I still have the key for my ex-boyfriends holiday house if you want? He's away on business and no-one would expect you to be there." She offered. "It's nearby to, right on the coast."

"Thanks sis… I owe you." Lars said, face in his hands. He couldn't believe how everything had spiralled out of control.

Femke smiled, lightly touching his face before lightly tracing the scar on her brother's forehead. "No Lars… I owe you; I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you." She murmured. "He would have killed me if it wasn't for you…"

Lars sighed. "I'm sorry you had to go through that…"

"It's not your fault… you were the best big brother anyone could ask for." Femke smiled. "Just do me a favour and keep safe okay?"

Lars nodded; expression serious. "…okay. Just so long as you do me a favour as well…"

Femke frowned, cocking her head. "Of course… anything."

"Don't think too badly of me okay?"

"Lars, you're scaring me… what's wrong? What did you do?"

"I can't tell you… please… just do as I say alright?" Lars murmured.

Femke frowned but nodded, she hadn't seen her brother look this nervous since they were in their teens. "…alright. But I could never…" she sighed, dropping the subject completely. It brought back too many painful memories. "Look after yourself…"

Lars nodded, kissing his sister's forehead tenderly. "You too sis, love you."

"Ja, you to. Come visit when everything's over okay? I've missed you…"

The Dutchman nodded. "Of course Femke, I'll speak to you soon." He sighed as he stood, heading for the door.

Visiting his little sister always made him feel guilty. After all, how could he look her in the eye when he was doing the exact same thing their father did to them? He hated the reminder that he seemed caught in a vicious circle. Especially when he remembered how his father had ended up…

"I'm sorry Fem…" he murmured as he closed the door, the key to the holiday house in his hand. He lightly touched the scar on his forehead, remembering how he'd received it.

No matter how much time passed he just couldn't get rid of the memories. They were as fresh as if they had happened an hour ago. If someone had asked him what his sister had worn that day he could have told them instantly.

She'd been wearing a green sun dress, one of her favourites since it brought out the colour in her eyes. It had been before she started to prefer wearing pants. He still remembered the fear in her eyes as he'd walked in on his father, hands around her throat as she struggled and clawed at the hands in an attempt to free herself. How her dress was torn and hiked up past her thighs.

One of the worst things he remembered though was the warmth and stickiness of his father's blood on his hands as he shoved him away, throwing wild uncontrolled punches. The scent of alcohol on his breath as they fought. The sharp pain of an iron poker being brought down on his forehead and blood pouring into his eyes, effectively blinding him.

He still occasionally dreamt of the event. Of being held down without any way of escape.

He was lucky he guessed, Femke had called the police before his father could actually kill him. They'd been taken away from the abusive asshole to be raised by their uncle while their father rotted away in a prison.

But the damage had been done. His sister was followed by a string of failed romances and boyfriends.

And as for him?

Well he'd discovered that the apple truly didn't fall far from the tree.

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano gave a small groan as he woke up, feeling more than a little groggy. He looked around nervously flinching when a hand touched his.

"It's okay fratello… it's just me." Lovino's voice was tender, more so than it had ever been.

"Ve? L-Lovi?" Feliciano murmured, blinking slowly as he looked around. "w-where am I?"

"The hospital …Is it true what happened?" he asked slowly.

"Ve? W-what do you m-mean?" the younger twin mumbled.

"D-did van Dyk…?" He couldn't complete his question nor did he need to. Feliciano flinched, looking away.

"Ve… I-I'm s-sorry fratello…" he murmured, tears stinging his eyes.

Lovino cursed. "Damn it Feli. It's not your fault!" He looked up as Ludwig came back into the room, running his hands through his hair in frustration as he grumbled to himself.

"L-Ludwig?" Feliciano's voice was quiet but made the German look up immediately.

"Gott, Feli! Are you alright?" he asked, sitting down beside him as he took his hand.

The Italian nodded shakily. "V-ve… what's w-wrong?" he asked quietly. "I-I'm sorry! I-I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore…" he started sobbing.

Ludwig shook his head. "Nein Feli, it's not your fault okay… I just had to talk to the cops and they were considering the possibility that I…" He sighed, giving the Italian's hand a light squeeze as he dropped the subject. "But that doesn't matter."

Lovino sighed, eyes angry. "Potato bas- I mean Ludwig? Can I speak to you privately?" he asked politely although his hatred of the German was apparent in his tone. The blonde glanced at him before nodding.

"We'll be right back Feli, just try to rest okay?" The Italian nodded shakily as he watched his brother follow his boyfriend out the room.

The pair found an empty room just down the hall, closing the door behind them.

"Look bastard, I don't like you. I know that and you know that."

Ludwig nodded, waiting for Lovino to get to the point as the Italian sighed.

"But I don't like the idea of that bastard getting away with this. The cops won't find him… and if they do what will he get? A slap on the wrist? A few years in prison?" he scoffed, frowning. "I want to teach him not to mess with my fratello…"

Ludwig frowned thoughtfully before nodding. "Ja… but we can't do this alone." He murmured. "And how are we meant to find him if the cops can't?"

The Italian sighed before nodding, "Fine, get your brother involved to. I suspect he'd be open to it… and as for finding him…" Lovino's eyes gleamed dangerously. "I've got contacts."

.o.)O(.o.

_I swear to god_

_I'll find myself in the end_

_I swear to god_

_I'll find myself in the end_

_In the end…_

_This is the story of my life_

_These are the lies I have created_

_This is the story of my life_

_These are the lies I have created…_

_The story- 30 seconds to mars_


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: sorry for the late update. There is no signal up here and I'm only allowed to use the computer for email and Facebook. Thus I have to turn to my dear Italy to post for me. Thanks for all the reviews; it warms my heart every time I get one even if I can't reply to them…**

**I'm working hard at the moment (not kidding, my left hand is cut up beyond belief from doing some pruning and cooking but compared to one of the guys who had to go down to the hospital after falling six feet off a ridge at full speed on a quad bike I got off lightly. Don't know how he did it but he avoided falling in the dam and on the rocks by landing on the only patch of grass within several metres and landed on his side and not his back so he got away stiff and bruised but nothing more.) So I don't have much time to write but I'll do my best!**

**I hope you enjoy the use of my favourite song and further mind fuckery :) I love blurring the lines between right and wrong :)**

**Hetalia isn't mine! Thanks for posting for me Italy 3**

**Edit: okay… emailing it didn't work but I finally managed to post it!**

_Never again_

_Will I be dishonoured_

_And never again_

_Will I be reminded of living within_

_This world that's been jaded_

_They coomb inspiration _

_it's my obligation_

_To never again_

_Allow this to happen_

_And where do I begin?_

_The choices are endless_

_Denying the sin_

_Thou art my redemption_

_I carry the torch of my fathers before me_

_The thing I treasure most in life_

_Cannot be taken away_

_There will never be a reason why_

_I'll surrender to your advice to change myself_

_I'd rather die_

_No they will not understand_

_I will make the greatest sacrifice_

_You can't predict where the outcome lies_

_You'll never take me alive_

_I'm alive_

_I'm Alive- disturbed_

.o.)O(.o.

Lovino and Ludwig didn't have any more time to talk after that until the Italian's furious grandfather arrived. Roma had been called as soon as Feliciano had been admitted to the hospital and his arrival sparked a crying fest between the young Italian and himself. Lovino remained with them for a bit as Ludwig left to give them privacy but soon followed after him.

"They're just fucking crying… anything's better than that!" he huffed as he caught up to the German who gave him a questioning look. He looked frustrated at the idea of being alone with Ludwig being an improvement.

Ludwig sighed. "If you want we can try to meet up with my bruder… to discuss…" he trailed off, not needing to explain anything as Lovino nodded.

"Si, we should. I hate that that fucker's gotten away with this!" he cursed, heading for the hospital doors.

Ludwig nodded, following after him.

.o.)O(.o.

"Damn it potato bastard! I said not to tell anyone!" Lovino shouted as Gilbert trailed in behind Alfred. Neither of the pair seemed overly thrilled by the other's presence but they both acted relatively civil.

"Not my fault. He listened in on Birdie and mine's conversation…"

"Hey, if you're going to get revenge on that ass I want in!" Alfred growled, closing the door so they could talk in private.

Ludwig raised an eyebrow. "You told Matthew?"

"Ja, why? Didn't you mention anything to Feli?"

"Gil, this is Feli we're talking about. I don't want to scare him…"

"Si, my fratello wouldn't understand."

Alfred and Gilbert stared at the pair in shock. "Dude… since when did you two start agreeing?" the American finally asked.

"Since you two were actually on the same side damn it!" Lovino swore, blushing at the realization that he was actually agreeing with Ludwig.

Gilbert shrugged, "I think we've got bigger problems than that… like how the hell we find this fucker?"

Everyone nodded sheepishly, reverting back to civility.

Lovino sighed, "Well, like I told the po- I mean Ludwig, I've got contacts. They can try to trace him."

"If the police haven't found him how will your contacts?" Alfred asked as everyone nodded.

"The police have to toe the law idiota. My contacts don't have to and the bastards already owe me a favour…" Lovino murmured, trying to skirt the subject.

"Who are your contacts? The mafia?" Gilbert joked, trying to ease the tension. His face blanched when the Italian sighed and nodded.

"Si… nonno told me to get a job and well… I started doing odd jobs for them… my nonno doesn't know exactly what I do though." He raised an eyebrow at everyone's stunned looks.

"…You… Work for the Mafia?" Ludwig asked slowly, he hoped that Feliciano wasn't in the same line of business.

"What? Armani doesn't pay for itself you know!" he huffed.

"Whoa! Hold up a minute! The mafia? C'mon dude, can't we do something less illegal?" Alfred shouted. Ludwig glared at him to shut him up, a single look being all it took.

"Alfred, I don't like this much either but it's the only way to get back at van Dyk for what he did…" Ludwig explained, not particularly thrilled by this turn of events.

"But the mafia?"

"Dude, what did you think we were going to do with van Dyk? We can't get any more illegal!" Gilbert scoffed. "I'm in."

Ludwig nodded, "If it means getting back at van Dyk I'm in…" the younger German murmured.

"Fine. But I'm only doing this for Mattie!" Alfred huffed. "And your 'contacts' better not hurt anyone else!"

Lovino nodded. "I'll tell them to keep it mild. They'll call me when they find him." No-one asked how they'd find the Dutchman, not sure they'd want to find out.

.o.)O(.o.

It took a week for the call to come in. All four teens were nervous, Gilbert and Lovino lashing out more than usual (the albino managed to get a few more detentions much to Ludwig's and Matthew's horror) whilst Alfred poured all his energy into sport. Ludwig preferred to pour all of his into his work, studying and working whenever he had a free moment and wasn't visiting Feliciano.

Lovino and Ludwig made sure to visit Feliciano every day after school, Matthew, Alfred and Gilbert occasionally joining them if it didn't cut into the Canadian's counselling. The Italian was due to be released the day the call came in.

Feliciano was nervous, even more so than usual as Ludwig took his hand, leading him into the school. He flinched at all the curious stares, by that point everyone knew what had happened. The German did his best to ward off potential questioners, a simple glare being enough to stop them in their tracks but couldn't do anything about the staring.

"Feli?" Ludwig asked softly as they finally got back into their room and away from all the prying eyes. He sighed when Feliciano flinched at the word.

"Ve? Si?"

"…would you mind staying with Matthew tonight? My brother and I have something we need to do." He murmured, a tiny barely perceivable smile forming on the Italian's face. He'd grown to enjoy Matthew's company.

"Um sure… ve… do you have to?"

"Ja, I'm afraid so." Ludwig contemplated explaining himself to Feliciano but decided against it. He didn't want to scare him off after he'd just opened up to him. "It won't take long though, promise."

Feliciano nodded, a small frown still on his face. "Ve… O-okay." He paused, leaning up as if to kiss him before his eyes went wide and he pulled away in a panic. Ludwig just sighed, not commenting on it.

"Have fun with Matthew; do you want me to get you a movie or something?" The German asked softly to change the subject.

Feliciano shook his head. "It's fine, grazi… Mattie has lots of movies and we usually just…" he sighed, not wanting to go into the conversations the pair had had whenever alone.

Ludwig nodded, pausing before giving him a quick kiss on the forehead. He frowned at how the Italian flinched at the affectionate gesture, vowing to get revenge for him.

"Okay… I'll see you later then… love you."

.o.)O(.o.

"So how are we doing this?" Ludwig asked as he came up to where his brother, Alfred and Lovino.

The Italian just smirked. "Watch and learn bastards." He chuckled, heading straight for an average looking sedan. The others watched in shock as he took out a length of sturdy wire, glancing around before slipping it down the crack between the door and the window. Within a few moments the lock popped open, the alarm blaring for a few seconds before Lovino hot-wired the car.

"…I'm pretty sure that's illegal…" Alfred mumbled as the Germans stared open mouthed. Lovino just rolled his eyes.

"Of course it is idiota! Now get in before we get caught!"

They didn't need any further incentive, immediately piling into the car. Lovino quickly stood on the gas, the tires screeching as they pulled out of the parking lot.

"So whose car is this exactly?" Ludwig asked, trying to not focus on the Italian's driving which was worrisome at best.

"Dunno, some stranger's. I don't want it traced back to us." Lovino shrugged as he explained. Silence fell over the car as they drove towards the address the Italian had received.

.o.)O(.o.

"Please Lars… please pick up!" Femke murmured pleadingly into the cell phone. Her face was badly scratched and bruised, clothes slightly torn up as she listened to the repetitive beeps on the other line.

"Hi you've reached Lars van Dyk. I'm not available right now so please leave a message."

Femke cursed softly, tears stinging her eyes.

"L-Lars? Some people came looking for you… I-I'm sorry! I didn't want to but they- they threatened me a-and… please just get out of there! They know where you are! I-I'm sorry!"

She started sobbing as she heard the end tone of the phone, hoping her brother would get the message and not get hurt for her weakness.

.o.)O(.o.

Lars frowned as the doorbell rang. He tried to ignore it but sighed as it was held down, letting out a continuous stream of beeps. He wondered if it was Femke, she might have tried to get through to him and panicked when he didn't answer. The phone in question had been thrown away several towns over to prevent the signal being traced.

"Femk-" Lars was cut off as a fist came towards his jaw, a loud crack resonating as they connected making him curse in pain as he stumbled backwards.

"Du arschloch!" Ludwig growled, fist still clenched tightly as he followed after him. His knuckles had been grazed by the force of his punch. He looked like he was about to punch him again but Gilbert grabbed his arm.

"Nein bruder, we want him conscious!" He glared at Lars before punching him in the gut and making him crumple. "Besides, why should you have all the fun? Hey, Alfred, tie him up would you? I think Lovino wants to get out of here as quickly as possible."

Alfred nodded, looking torn between revenge and doing what he knew was right. His face hardened as he glanced at the man who'd hurt his brother, doubt fading as he tied his hands behind his back a little tighter than necessary. He shoved a gag in his mouth while Lars panted, trying to get his breath back after Gilbert's punch.

"I'm going to kill you for what you did to Mattie!" he growled, picking up the Dutchman with the help of the two Germans and shoving him into the car's boot.

.o.)O(.o.

_Change again_

_Cannot be considered_

_And I rage again_

_Dispelling my anger_

_Where do I begin?_

_The choices are endless_

_Thou art my redemption _

_My only salvation_

_I carry the gift_

_That I have been blessed with_

_My soul is adrift_

_In oceans of madness_

_Repairing the rift_

_That you have created_

_And I'm not alone now_

_Brothers give me your arms now_

_I'm Alive- Disturbed_

**A/N: yep, shit's getting serious. And you may be beginning to see the start of a sequel forming :) probably only three or so chapters left for this story but like I said. There will be a sequel!**

**Thanks for the reviews! I'll get replying god knows when but I will, even if it means typing all of them up and putting them in the final chapter!**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: so I'm tired from early mornings and working hard but here's the next chapter. Just two or so left before the sequel. Just give me some time between working on this and the sequel please? A few weeks even? I'm working a twelve hour day with a lot of manual labour over here! So I apologize if it ever takes a while for me to update, I just don't have a lot of time to write….**

**I don't own Hetalia!**

_It's cold here in the city_

_It always seems that way_

_And I've been thinking about you_

_Almost everyday_

_Thinking about the good times_

_Thinking about the rain_

_Thinking about how bad it feels to be alone again_

_I'm sorry for the way things are in China_

_I'm sorry that things aren't what they used to be_

_And more than anything else_

_I'm sorry for my sins_

_And that you're not here with me_

_I'm sorry- John Denver_

.o.)O(.o.

Lars gave a series of short coughs as the gag was removed, glaring at the four boys as he was dumped unceremoniously onto the ground. He pushed himself awkwardly into a more comfortable position before giving a bitter chuckle.

"I should have known that you wouldn't be thrilled with me…" he winced as he was shoved back to the ground by a blow to the head, skin splitting as Lovino back handed him with the butt of a Beretta.

"And why the hell would we be thrilled bastardo? You hurt my little brother!" He snarled, clutching the gun like a lifesaver.

Alfred looked at the gun nervously before shaking his head. "Why the hell did you do that to them?" he growled.

Lars sighed, looking at each of the four in turn with an apologetic look on his face. "You wouldn't understand…" He said softly before looking away. He hissed as a foot connected with his stomach making him crumple, gasping as he tried to regain his breath.

Ludwig glared at him as he panted. "I don't give a damn why you did it." He growled, "I just want to get back at you for what you did to them!"

Lars chuckled softly, raising an eyebrow as he stared at the enraged German. "You'd really stoop to my level?" he asked. He gave a soft wince as he was punched; moving his jaw to test it and make sure it wasn't broken.

"We'd never do what you did." Gilbert snarled, eyes resembling rubies in his fury. Even Alfred looked furious at the comparison. Lovino didn't seem to care, only a small flash of anger crossing his face before he sighed, accepting that he was hardly the most innocent individual.

"You're not going to let me live… how is that any different?" Lars murmured softly. "Face it boys. You're no better than I am." He flinched as cold metal was pressed against his temple before any of the enraged students could attack him, Lovino glaring at him coldly although his hand shook slightly.

"At least we're doing the world a favour. You DESERVE this. What did my Fratello or Matthew ever do?" he growled, eyes hard as Lars met his gaze defiantly.

"I can't deny what I did; I am what I am in the end." He chuckled softly, shaking his head. "If you're so sure I deserve it, go ahead. Pull the trigger." He watched Lovino intently, seeing the altering emotions flash across his features. Fear, doubt, anger, even some sadness appearing before his face hardened, hand no longer shaking.

"Do it." Gilbert murmured, glaring at Lars murderously. Alfred and Ludwig nodded in agreement as the Dutchman sighed, lifting his head defiantly.

"Go ahead… if you're so certain this is right, then do it." He mumbled in resignation. "Just remember that you can't take it back." He glanced at each of them in turn. "All of you will be as guilty as I am…" he closed his eyes waiting for the gunshot.

The click of the safety being turned off the gun echoed loudly in the silence, making them all flinch before the Italian pulled the trigger. Lars immediately crumpled, falling into a limp heap as the bullet entered his skull. Warm blood splashed against Lovino's hand from the point blank shot as he glanced in surprise between the gun and the dead body.

"…Are you okay Lovino?" Ludwig eventually asked after a moment of stunned silence. "You did the right thing…"

Lovino shook his head, finally glancing up with a resigned smile. "Si… it was just so… easy." He sighed, looking down at the dead body at his feet. "I guess he was right… maybe I am as bad as he is. I should feel guilty or at least doubt myself, I can see you guys do, but I don't. I feel nothing over the fact that I just ended a man's life…"

None of the others were sure what to say to that, frowning slightly or glancing away guiltily. Lovino eventually sighed. "c'mon, we need to get rid of him." He said softly.

"…Ja, any ideas?" Gilbert asked, unable to tear his eyes away from the corpse. He'd thought that it would be easier to get revenge…

"Bury him. We're far away from anyone out here, it's the perfect spot." Lovino offered. He didn't even hesitate with the answer, having already thought everything out.

Alfred nodded, looking slightly pale. "…we did do the right thing? …right?" he asked as Lovino grabbed several shovels from the pack he'd brought along.

Ludwig and Gilbert looked at each other before hesitantly nodding. "ja… I think so." Ludwig eventually murmured.

Lovino sighed. "What's done is done. Besides, it's on my head. Not yours." He said, handing out the shovels before burying the tip of his into the soft soil.

"This'll be our secret." Gilbert said seriously; face more serious than his brother's for once as he started to dig. The other two soon joined them, trying not to gaze at the dead body. "We don't tell anyone, ever. Deal?"

"Si, deal." Lovino nodded. "Just don't expect me to start liking you just because of this." He spat out, attitude beginning to return.

"ja, promise."

"Deal…" Alfred mumbled. He still wasn't sure that he'd done the right thing but he couldn't do anything about it.

They continued to dig in silence, spending close to an hour digging a hole five feet deep before pulling themselves out. Gilbert offering a hand to Lovino to help him out whom hesitantly took it, giving a curt thank you before turning to the stiffening body.

He sighed. "Give me a hand will you?" he growled, nodding thankfully as Ludwig moved to pick up Lars's feet.

They flinched as the body hit the bottom of the hole with a dull thud, not speaking as they started to fill the unmarked grave. Lovino stared at the mound of disturbed earth once they were finished, eyes serious. "I guess that's it…" he mumbled as the other's nodded. "Come on, we need to ditch the car and the shovels…"

Ludwig, Gilbert and Alfred followed the Italian's lead, placing all the evidence apart from the gun in the car before Lovino placed it at the edge of the cliff. He left the handbrake off as he got out, staring down at the crashing waves before sighing. He placed his weight against the rear of the car, feeling the others do the same as they pushed the car off the edge.

They watched as it hit the water, bobbing for a few moments before starting a slow descent beneath the surface.

"This will change everything, won't it?" Alfred said softly. No-one answered, not needing to.

They all knew the answer.

.o.)O(.o.

They had to sneak back into the school, returning in the early hours of the morning. Lovino and Alfred didn't say a word as they went their separate way back to their rooms (or Antonio's in Lovino's case). Ludwig and Gilbert remained together heading to Matthew's room to see the Canadian and Feliciano.

Matthew seemed half asleep as they let themselves in, Feliciano immediately perking up when he saw the blonde German. "Gil? How'd it go? Is van Dyk dead?" the Canadian asked sleepily, forgetting that Feliciano didn't know.

Everyone froze, looking at the Italian as his eyes widened. The brunette stared at Ludwig in horror.

"…w-what?"

.o.)O(.o.

_I'm sorry for all the lies I told you_

_I'm sorry for the things I didn't say_

_And more than anything else_

_I'm sorry for my sins_

_I can't believe you went away_

_I'm sorry if I took some things for granted_

_I'm sorry for the chains I put on you_

_And more than anything else_

_I'm sorry for my sins_

_And for living without you_

_I'm sorry- John Denver_

**A/N2: so that's finished now… with a bit more mind fuckery, after all, can you ever truly justify taking someone's life? That question will turn up a lot in the sequel by the way!**

**And some review replies… since I've started doing them again :)**

**A random fan: ja, that would get you several weird looks :) glad you think I'm awesome and I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Sorry about the long time to update the last chapter… thanks for the review!**

**The bloody hatter: wouldn't let me reply with a pm… but yes, Lovi is epic! Thanks for the review!**

**Impatient Reader: tell me about it… I disappear for a bit and EVERYTHING changes! Baie dankie! It's good to be back! My hand's healed up from the cuts but then I got three blisters on it… so one step forward two steps back I guess… hope you enjoyed and thanks for the review!**

**Mossstripes: nooo! Don't take it out on the bunny! Hope you enjoyed the update and thanks for the review!**

**Guest: yay! I'm glad you think so! Thanks for the review!**

**I can't log in: ja, life isn't all sunshine and rainbows unfortunately… I'm glad you like it though and I hope you enjoyed the update! Don't know the song though… who's it by?**

**Ribbon Revolution: …It was a month unfortunately. Yay for bugging your family! *is very flattered* and yes, you did read that correctly! My fingers are crossed that it will work but there will be a sequel! thanks for the review! hope you enjoyed the update!**

**And that's all of them, all 27 :) I love you guys, my reaction to all the reviews I get is probably: "oh my god! Twenty seven reviews? TWENTY SEVEN! …oh fuck… this'll take forever to reply to… but still! TWENTY SEVEN REVIEWS! 3" or something along those lines at least…**

**Please review!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: second last chapter before it's finished *sob* this story's been my pride and joy! But at least I got it out eh? Despite the hard work I get put through… I mean, weekend? What weekend? It's Sunday, get to work! And my ankles now fucked because a 400kg + horse jumped on it right after it had just healed from the same injury. But I get a day off tomorrow thank god!**

**At least I'm getting paid though… enjoy the chapter!**

**Hetalia isn't mine!**

_Tell me when it's over_

_Wake me when I'm sober_

_The scars too hard to hide_

_I should have known better_

_If only I could be_

_Strong enough to see_

_That it's over_

_I wish I never met you_

_Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me_

_Where are you now?_

_I should have known better_

_Should've known better- the sick puppies_

.o.)O(.o.

"He's still not talking to you?" Gilbert asked softly, sighing when Ludwig nodded. It had been a week since they'd returned from their revenge and a week since Feliciano had even looked at the German. He'd been staying in his brother's room with Lovino while Gilbert had been kicked out to room with Ludwig.

"Nein… damn it bru I fucked up! How am I meant to earn his trust back?" the younger German cursed. He was trying to get his homework done but couldn't focus, the work just piling up undone on the corner of the desk.

"Don't worry Luddy, he'll come round." Gilbert tried to comfort.

Ludwig just sighed, giving up on his homework completely. "I don't know if he will Gil…"

Gilbert frowned, not sure what to say. "…how about a drink bru? It might make you feel better…" he offered, reaching under the bed for the case of beer he kept despite his brother's disapproval.

"We're both underage Gilbert…" he mumbled half-heartedly as he took the offered bottle.

The albino just rolled his eyes. "Since when has that stopped us?" he chuckled humourlessly, cracking his beer open. He took a sip as his brother mimicked him, no longer protesting.

Gilbert sighed as Ludwig drank in silence, pouring all of his guilt into downing the alcohol as quickly as possible. He wondered if he'd done the right thing by offering his brother a beer, watching as the empty glass bottles piled up higher and higher until eventually one slipped from Ludwig's grasp as he put his head on the desk and passed out.

"Sorry bruderlein… I'll make this right, I promise." He murmured, dragging Ludwig's unconscious form over to his bed so he'd be more comfortable. He next started clearing away all the empty beer bottles, heading over to his own bed once done before pausing with a sigh. Ludwig's homework was still sitting undone on the desk.

Gilbert was torn between getting some much needed sleep and helping his brother out. The teacher's had already been getting suspicious as to why Ludwig's grades were steadily slipping and his homework remained undone. Gilbert's own homework not being done was something that happened on a daily basis but for Ludwig, a straight-A student, it was unusual and the teacher's patience was wearing thin.

The albino sat down at the desk, pulling his brother's work towards him and starting it. Gilbert was far from stupid, just lazy, so it wouldn't be too far from his brother's quality of work he hoped. He tried to mimic Ludwig's handwriting and writing style as much as possible.

As the hours crawled by though and his eyes grew itchy from exhaustion, his writing reverted back to its usual untidy scrawl. He yawned, glancing at the clock as he finished. He didn't even have an hour to get some much needed sleep, the alarm due to go off for school in just fifteen minutes.

.o.)O(.o.

"danezione fratello! This has to stop!" Lovino snapped as he put the first aid kit away for the fifth time in just three days. He sighed as Feliciano flinched, the younger looking away guiltily.

"Ve…I'm sorry Lovi…" He mumbled, lightly touching the fresh bandaging on his chest.

"If you miss the bastard that much just go tell him damn it!"

"b-but Lovi… ve… h-he lied to me. He killed someone."

Lovino rolled his eyes. "He was trying to protect you! And theoretically he didn't kill anyone. It was my gun and I was the one to pull the fucking trigger!" he growled.

Feliciano flinched at the reminder. He'd spent a day refusing to speak to Lovino before giving in, unable to stay mad at his own twin. "He still didn't tell me…"

"News flash idiota, none of us told you! We didn't want you to react like you are!" the elder sibling was breathing heavily as he tried to force himself to calm down. He hated the way Feliciano trembled at his raised voice. "Look. He wants to apologize. For god's sake let him!"

.o.)O(.o.

Ludwig groaned as he was forced to wake up for class. He'd already missed breakfast due to his headache and his stomachs inability to remain steady. He sighed, slipping another note into Lovino's and Feliciano's room as he went past it. The five words were so hard to write it wasn't funny. Every time it got refused he felt his heart break a little.

'I'm sorry. Please forgive me?'

He could barely focus in gym, tripping over his own feet and not listening to coach Zwingli to the extent that he was given detention for that evening. He couldn't stand Gilbert's sympathetic gaze or the way he started insulting the teacher to ensure that he got detention as well.

Maths was just as bad. Feliciano paused at the door but still seemed hesitant to look at him as he took a seat. They'd been having a substitute teacher ever since the whole Lars incident.

Ludwig put his head on the desk, trying to ignore his headache and the teacher's voice.

"Beilschmidts? BEILSCHMIDT!" the teacher eventually shouted as she marked the homework. Gilbert had glanced up straight away, looking sheepish but Ludwig took a few moments.

"ja?" he asked softly. The teacher's eye twitched.

"I want a word with both of you."

The brother's sighed, getting to their feet. Everyone looked at Ludwig in surprise, he never got into trouble. There was silence as they headed to the desk, Ludwig's homework shoved in front of the pair.

"Care to tell me why this is in your brother's writing?" Gilbert ducked his head guiltily as Ludwig shrugged, head pounding.

"Now I've been patient with you all week. I don't know why, but your grades, your homework, THIS, this is not like you Mr Beilschmidt and it's unacceptable! Plagiarism is a serious-" the teacher paused as she caught the scent of beer. "Have you been drinking?" she asked slowly, threat dripping off her words.

The silence was enough of an answer. "Principal's office. NOW!"

Ludwig sighed softly, doing as ordered with his eyes downcast. He didn't notice Feliciano's guilt ridden eyes on his retreating figure as he followed his brother out of the room.

.o.)O(.o.

Ludwig barely reacted as his brother and himself were scolded by the principal. He only looked up when she informed them that she was going to be phoning their father.

"Bitte! It's only his first time!" Gilbert protested. He knew how their father would react when he learnt that Ludwig was growing just as bad as he was.

"I'm sorry Gilbert but this is a serious circumstance." She actually did seem apologetic about it.

There was silence as their father's number was dialled the two teens waiting with baited breath.

.o.)O(.o.

Aldric Beilschmidt was in the middle of paperwork when his phone rang, sighing before picking up the phone. "Aldric Beilschmidt, how can I help you?" he asked politely, pushing some of his long hair out his face.

"Mr Beilschmidt? This is Katyusha Braginski from the Hetalia Academy of Higher Education-"

"What's Gilbert done now?" the German man asked with a sigh. His eldest son was always getting into trouble…

"No sir this is about Ludwig."

Aldric was silent in shock. Ludwig was always well behaved and his marks were brilliant. He couldn't think of any reason for him to get a call about the blonde.

"…Ja, what about him?"

"Well, he was just caught drinking and his marks have been slipping severely." The Ukrainian principal explained, leaving out the fact of Gilbert doing Ludwig's homework. She heard an intake of breath on the other line as Aldric took the information in.

"Put him on bitte."

He waited as the phone was handed to Ludwig. "…Vati?" the German's voice was sheepish as he looked down, avoiding the principal's and his brother's gazes.

"Ludwig. Is what I hear true?"

"…Ja. Es tut mit lied Vati…"

"Damn it Ludwig! I raised you better than this! Your brother I'd expect this from but you?"

Gilbert sighed as he saw Ludwig grow smaller at their father's words. The younger German not speaking as the faint shouting could be heard across the phone. The albino took the phone from his brother's hand.

"Vati, it's Gilbert." He murmured, interrupting his father's rant.

"Gilbert, what the hell have you been getting your brother into? Drinking? His grades slipping?" Gilbert just rolled his eyes.

"Sorry Vati, but he's been having a tough time at the moment. I'm only doing my best to get him through it!" he growled.

Aldric sighed. "I'm coming down there. Tell Ludwig that he better be improving and behaving by the time I get there!"

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano waited impatiently outside the principal's office, trying to fight the urge to run. He flinched as the door opened, Gilbert muttering about their father while Ludwig just seemed down. Both paused when they saw the nervous Italian.

"…I'll meet you in class bru." The albino murmured, leaving the two alone. There was a moment of awkward silence before Feliciano eventually spoke.

"…ve, are you okay?"

Ludwig chuckled bitterly. "…what do you think?" he asked softly, looking at the Italian sadly. He had dark circles beneath his eyes and his hair wasn't as neat as it usually was.

"I'm sorry…" Feliciano mumbled guiltily.

"Nein, it's not your fault… I should have told you… can you ever forgive me?"

Feliciano paused before nodding, looking hesitant. "…ve… there's nothing to forgive…"

He couldn't believe the happy smile that fell over the tired German's face at his words. "you think so?" he asked, not believing what he heard.

Feliciano nodded, giving a timid smile. "i-I over-reacted…"

Ludwig gave a relieved laugh. "nein, I was at fault… I'm sorry."

"ti amo?"

"ja, I love you Feli."

.o.)O(.o.

_I got a new identity_

_It's nothing but a mirror_

_It took everything we had_

_For you to become the winner_

_The love_

_The lie_

_It's nothing but memory now_

_I can only see_

_Whats in front me_

_No I can only breathe_

_Suffocating me_

_Bleed it out_

_All over the ground_

_Should've known better- the sick puppies_

**A/N2: and only one chapter to go! Then a well-deserved break for a bit and then the sequel!**

**Review replies!:**

**A random fan: don't we all, after all, can we ever justify killing a man? Glad you liked it though! I'll try to keep updating as regularly as possible! Thanks for the review!**

**Guest 1: perhaps he did deserve it but it will come back to haunt all of them in the end. Gil told Mattie because he didn't want him to react like Feli did, Mattie didn't approve at first but accepted it when Gilbert explained it all to him. He still doesn't completely agree with it though. Thanks for the review!**

**Impatient reader: ja, just a little. But wouldn't we all react like that if we had that sort of news lands on us? Hope you enjoyed the update! Thanks for the review!**

**Guest 2: glad you think so! And yes, mafia! Lovi is awesome! Thanks for the review!**

**The two sides of schiria: your pm thing was disabled so I'll just reply here… don't worry, I've done that so many times only to realise what I'd been missing! I hope you enjoyed the rest of it as much as the first two chapters! And thanks for the favs and the compliments! Hope you enjoyed the update! Ja I'm good at mind fuckery and turning people against characters like that :) thanks again for your two reviews and all the compliments!**

**xRussiasMinion: been there done that. I wish it would just let me log in permanently… glad you liked it! And I hope you enjoyed the update! Thanks for the review!**

**Guest 3 (guessing it's you Mossstripes): aw cute bunny! My girlfriend would have a fit since she's terrified of rabbits… yay, glad to hear it! Thanks for the review!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: and this is now officially my longest fan fiction as well as the most popular one ever! Hope you enjoy the final chapter; it's been awesome to write it and a big thanks to all the reviewers, alerters and favouriters! I love all of you!**

**Hetalia isn't mine!**

_What's it been over a decade?  
>It still smarts like it was four minutes ago<br>we only influenced each other totally  
>we only bruised each other even more so<em>

_what are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood  
>what are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad<em>

_How long can a girl be shackled to you  
>How long before my dignity is reclaimed<br>How long can a girl stay haunted by you  
>Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name<br>Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name_

_Flinch- Alanis Morissette_

.o.)O(.o.

Ludwig's father arrived a few days later, agreeing to meet his son at a nearby café instead of marching into the school when he learned that his marks were improving already. The blonde still seemed slightly nervous though and readily agreed when a scared Feliciano offered to come with him.

The Italian felt that it was his fault the German had spent a week stuck in a depression and wanted to do whatever was possible to help him. Even if it meant meeting his father who sounded scary as hell…

The pair were silent as they left the school grounds, Ludwig looking resigned whilst Feliciano merely looked as if he was about to be sick. The German sighed, taking pity on the Italian.

"He's not that bad… just strict." He explained as Feliciano nodded, not looking reassured.

"v-ve… that still sounds scary!" he said softly. Ludwig just sighed as he gave up trying to comfort the Italian. There really wasn't much he could say without lying.

Aldric Beilschmidt was visible from a mile away, there was just a presence to him that made him stand out and commanded respect. He looked up as the bell above the door rang cheerfully as Ludwig and Feliciano entered the café. The Italian did his best to hide behind Ludwig when the elder German's gaze fell on them and he gestured them over.

Ludwig nodded as he sat down, "hallo Vati…" he mumbled sheepishly. Aldric nodded in response.

"Ludwig, I'm glad to hear you're improving." He turned on the Italian who shrank visibly and made Aldric raise an eyebrow. "And you are?"

"V-ve! F-Feliciano Vargas sir!"

Ludwig chuckled softly, taking his hand. "He's my boyfriend." He explained. His father didn't even react to the announcement, too distracted by the Italian's surname.

"Vargas? Are you related to-"

"Aldric! What a surprise!" The Italian's grandfather sat down beside the elder German, not caring about the slight scowl he had on at the interruption.

"…Roma? What are you doing here!" Aldric stuttered. Ludwig raised an eyebrow at how unsettled his father was having never seen him even shaken before. And living with Gilbert, who had at one point set fire to his bed as an experiment, this was saying something.

Roma just smiled, slinging an arm over the German's shoulders. "Feli mentioned he was meeting you and I couldn't pass up the opportunity!"

"…Feliciano's your son?"

"Of course not! Do I look young enough to be his father? No, he's my grandson!"

Aldric's eye twitched slightly. "Grand… son? THE HELL! You're the same age as me! How is that possible!"

Roma shrugged, looking horrified. "You mean you don't have any grandbabies yet? What are you waiting for! You're fifty one for crying out loud! Get a move on!"

"…You know each other?" Ludwig asked, interrupting before his father could start verbally abusing the other man.

"Si, we went to school together! We're best friends! And more at one point remember? I did tell him not to grow his hair long because people would think he was girl! He was just lucky it was me!" Aldric immediately went scarlet at the words, whilst Ludwig and Feliciano looked vaguely sick at the thought.

"I told you never to mention that! I was drunk! Besides, how did you not notice it was me until morning?"

"I was a little distracted… you are very good with your mouth by the way!"

Ludwig grabbed Feliciano's hand at those words, face red as he pulled him away from the severely disturbing conversation. He wouldn't ever be able to clear his mind of those mental images…

.o.)O(.o.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that…" Ludwig mumbled softly, cheeks still tinged pink at the memory. He didn't want to imagine his father and his boyfriend's grandfather getting it on.

"V-ve… that was wrong…" Feliciano groaned, looking just as horrified as the German. Ludwig sighed softly.

"At least he forgot about punishing me…" he contemplated, trying to see the bright side with a bit of difficulty.

"Si, that's good I guess…"

Ludwig chuckled bitterly at the hesitation in his lover's voice. "You think I did the wrong thing don't you?" he asked softly.

"Ve…I don't think he deserved to die for what he did…" Feliciano explained after a moment's pause. He knew what Ludwig was getting at.

The German sighed, glancing away. "I thought I was doing the right thing but now… I don't regret protecting you but maybe I went too far…"

"…si, murder doesn't solve anything."

"I realise that now. I don't know how to make it right though…"

Feliciano flinched slightly at the hopelessness in the German's voice, trying to think. "Maybe you should pray for forgiveness?" He'd done just that whenever he felt he'd sinned and it had helped a bit.

At least until the guilt had built up and only hurting himself seemed to make him feel better…

Ludwig shrugged, not wanting to admit that he hadn't believed in God for years. "Maybe…" he murmured.

They sat in silence for a bit before Feliciano sighed, biting his lip nervously. "Ve, Ludwig?" he asked softly. The blonde immediately glanced at him curiously.

"Ja?"

"What did you do with him?"

"…we buried him." Ludwig eventually admitted.

"Can you take me there? …there's something I need to do…"

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano knelt before the slowly settling dirt, shaking slightly as he lay a flower on the unmarked grave under Ludwig's watchful gaze. The German stood back where he couldn't hear the Italian out of respect but didn't want to be too far away.

"Ve… I'm sorry… this was my fault… I shouldn't have told…" Feliciano mumbled, gazing at the disturbed earth. "But you don't scare me any more…"

He sighed as he stood, turning his back on the grave as he walked back to where Ludwig waited. He pushed the guilt aside, trying to ignore it as he took the German's hand. He couldn't help but look back though, back to the lonely flower resting on the unmarked resting place of his tormenter.

Nothing was ever simple.

Feliciano couldn't help but fear the day this caught up to him again.

.o.)O(.o.

_Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city  
>My brother saw you somewhere downtown<br>I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you  
>My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again<em>

_What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god  
>what are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin<em>

_how long can a girl be tortured by you?  
>How long before my dignity is reclaimed<br>And how long can a girl be haunted by you  
>Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name<br>Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name  
><em> 

_Flinch- Alanis Morissette_

**A/N2: and the last review replies!**

**Tabitha: wow, lots of reviews from you! I'm glad you enjoyed it despite all the torture I put the characters through! And thanks for thinking I'm an awesome writer and the reviews! **

**Mossstripes: I thought it was you so it was okay :) and the sequel will come out eventually as well so there'll only be a small break. Ooh, I'll have to check it out sometime… when I'm not working… *curses her twelve hour work day* thanks for the review!**

**Thanks to everyone who's stayed with me this long to get through all twenty one angsty chapters! I hope to see you all for the sequel "scarred" once I've taken a break for a bit. Just a week or two asseblief? I work twelve hours a day, six days a week… all physical labour as well…**


	22. author's note

**A/N: hi guys, sorry for exciting/bothering those already aware of the fact but 'scarred' is now up! Just in case people didn't realise…**

**And it's as angsty as ever :) hope to see you guys there!**


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